scary squirrel world I, CARBOT

Patriots, who can deny that the invention of the wheel was an explosive leap forward in humankind's righteous struggle against squirrel world domination? To appreciate its importance, you only have to imagine that fateful day, millenia ago, when a slavering chitterbox dared to cross paths with a Patriot-filled war chariot. The flattened result gave hope to besieged peoples everywhere and sent shivers through the busytail horde's ranks.

What's more, skwerls were unable to adapt to the ever-increasing number of wheeled menaces pursuing them. Try as they might, they could not counter this new technology. That's not to say that their efforts were without some successes. Soon after the first skwerlien roadkill came the first human casualty, chitterbox-caused accident. Worse, for every demonic nutcruncher squashed, 100 made it across the road. It became clear to the maniacal bushytails that while wheeled vehicles were an extreme menace, by themselves they would not defeat the horde's plans for squirrel world domination, only delay the inevitable (click skwerl below for hideous chitter)...



Fortunately, advances in science and technology delayed the inevitable again and again. By the twentieth century the chariots of old had become gas-guzzling automobiles.

By the mid-20th century, the automobile evolved into chrome-plated barges plying the highways and byways of the world. Some were even styled and named after the hungry predators skwerls feared. Skwerlien roadkill increased exponentially with an untold number of skwerls dispatched back to the bushytail hell from whence they sprang.

Unfortunately, in the 1960's, the continued impact of cars on plans for squirrel world domination contributed to the rise of the most nefarious chitterbox of all, Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel and his Squirrel Enforcement Army (SEA). Tufty released his Manifestos and ascended to the head of the bushytail horde. He united the world's nutcrunchers and brought sympathetic humans - we know these minions as pathetic skwerlhuggers - into the fold via the Tufty Club. Then, Tufty shocked the world when he published The Kerb Drill: Instructions on How to Not Get Smashed by a Motorized Vehicle...

Tufty's Kerb Drill

Long time Patriots know that our Kirb Drill exposé revealed that the Drill is flawed (see links below), and while it did reduce the number of skwerls killed crossing roads, it did not solve the problem.

In fact, Tufty concluded that the only rational solution to the problem was the complete elimination of all gasoline powered vehicles. To that end, he conspired with complicitous skwerlhuggers to open and end the 1970's with oil crises that resulted in shortages, created long lines at gas stations, and drove up the price of gas at the pump.

Luckily, the plot backfired when it had the unintended consequence of ushering in an era of small, fuel efficient compact and subcompact cars that were easily maneuvered and just as capable of running down vicious skwerliens as their mammoth-sized cousins.

However, smaller cars did have a weakness, but it wasn't with the vehicle itself, it was with the driver, and this vulnerability continues to this day: pathetic skwerlhuggers and even some common citizens will swerve to miss a chitterbox sauntering across the road. This came as an ephiphany to Tufty. So, he ordered the SEA to form squads of suicide skwerls whose sole purpose is to race into the path of oncoming vehicles in hopes that the drivers will swerve into the nearest tree, ditch, telephone pole, brick wall, etc. (click skwerl below for hideous chitter)...



Patriots, with that lengthy forward we come to the real question: will the bushytail horde succeed in its efforts to cripple the auto industry and the skwerl-dispatching products it makes? Certainly, the automobile in all its forms is not going away. Car sales are as strong as ever and even large sedans and SUVs are back in favor thanks to plummeting gas prices. So, we can safely say that the roads will remain full in spite of the nutcrunchers disruptive efforts.

That leaves only the human factor. Now asking pathetic skwerlhuggers to just close their eyes and plow down nutzys just won't work. Common citizens may have reservations as well. Of course, skwerlhuggers would jump of a bridge if some bushytail told them to do it, but you've got to feel for innocent citizens who are only trying to do a good deed. So, both segments of the population will reamin at risk for horrific accidents as pictured above (BTW: the wreck was the result of a real-life attempt to dodge a skwerl).

But Patriots, there is a solution. A tool that will become an important weapon in the fight against squirrel world domination. Here it is...



That's right the self-driving car (aka autonomous vehicles)... but before you say it will never work, consider the millions of dollars being poured into the technology by multiple companies and investors as well as the rulkes and regulations being formulated by cities, counties, and states that forsee the day when the driverless car is as commonplace as robot vacuum cleaners. Best of all, the car operates without emotion and/or the subjective baggage that prevents pathetic skwerlhuggers and some common citizens from doing the right thing in our war with bushytail horde.

But, you say, won't these carbots be programmed to dodge objects in the road, and won't swerve-to-avoid accidents actually increase if the human factor is taken out of the driver's seat? Not so fast! According to reviews published by such reputable sources as the Smithsonian Magazine and Wired, driverless cars can and will be able to dodge potholes, large animals and humans, but their senors are unable to pick up fast moving skwerls. Ergo, no swerving to miss the terrorist demons!

Patriots, after 1000's of years, the slavering chitterboxes may have lost their battle to neutralize the strategic advantage offered to us by wheeled vehicles. Nonethless, we must remain ever-vigilant. For even now, some skwerlhugging reprobate, working for any of the companies developing driverless cars, may be sabotaging autonomous vehicle programming to include skwerl-specific coding that will not only direct the car to miss skwerls, but to self-destruct before it fails in its task to preserve skwerlien life at all costs... Click skwerl below for the bushytail horde's opinion:

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ONE PIECE AT A TIME
by Johnny Cash


 

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