Patriots, we're often asked about the evolutionary history of the bushytail horde. The enquiry frequently begins with the elementary question, where do skwerls come from?

According to the traitorous adherents of orthodox skwerlhuggery, the first nutzys were spawned by the Nice Squirrel from the mythical Tree of Delicious Nuts located somewhere in the Pacific Northwest region of North America (see link below).

There is little objective evidence that the Tree of Delicious Nuts exists. However, the earliest fossil skwerl (Douglassciurus jeffersoni) was found in Wyoming and identified by Emry & Thorington in 1984 (R. J. Emry, R. W. Thorington, in Living Fossils, N. Eldredge, S. M. Stanley, Eds; Springer, New York, 1984, pp.23-31). The paleo-nutzy dated from the late Eocene period, or approximately 36 million years ago.

Our own experts tell us that this early Protosciurus begat the modern day skwerl as well as such legendary skwerliens as the fearsome Skwerlfoot (see and click picture at right).

From it's origins in North America, the bushytail horde migrated first to Eurasia in the early Oligocene, then to Africa during the Miocene, and finally across the Panamanian land bridge into South America about 3.1 million years ago.

What contributed to the prehistoric spread of squirrel world domination? A 2003 study by Duke University professors John M. Mercer and V. Louise Roth infers that geological and climatic change influenced how ancient chitterboxes evolved and spread over 36 million years to nearly every corner of today's world (The Effects of Cenozoic Global Change on Squirrel Phylogeny, John M. Mercer, V. Louise Roth; Sciencexpress.org, 20 February 2003).

Ok, some of you are thinking, that's all well and good and history. Unfortunately, there's conclusive evidence that global warming is further transforming the slavering nutzys:

Study finds first link between northern warming and genetic change in animals
Source: The Canadian Press

OTTAWA - Researchers say they've found strong evidence, for the first time, that an animal has changed its genetic makeup in response to climate change.

Red squirrels in the Yukon are breeding earlier in the season and that indicates a shift in genetic makeup rather than just a change in individual behaviour, says Stan Boutin of the University of Alberta. The squirrels' breeding season has advanced by 18 days over the last 10 years - six days per generation - Boutin says in a paper published in the Proceedings of the Royal Society in London, England.

So what have we learned? First, and from the beginning, skwerl phylogeny is influenced by global shifts in land masses and climate change.

   Additionally, Dr. Boutin's study indicates that global warming, a phenomena greatly accelerated by human industrial activity, is currently increasing chitterbox populations by extending their breeding season. Worse, this change has been incorporated into the skwerliens genetic makeup (click genetically altered skwerl for comment).

   Patriots, the implications arising from these studies are profound. Is it a stretch to imagine increased chitterbox populations, ravenous for delicious nuts descending on every farm, village, town and city around the globe? Will we be powerless to stop the hurricane of gnashing teeth and flailing claws? And will we have no one to blame but ourselves for orchestrating the environmental disaster that global warming promises?

We hope that Patriots have only one answer to the questions above: that you will do everything in your power to prevent this latest bushytail threat to civilization...