Patriots, we've warned the world against the dangers and consequences of skwerlhuggery for years. For those who don't know, skwerlhuggery is the irrational belief that skwerls are nice. This leads to behavior that promotes the bushytail horde's quest for squirrel world domination.
Skwerlhuggery is divided into these general catagories:
Casual Skwerlhuggery: this is a relatively benign form of skwerlhuggery. It's characterized by people who think skwerls are nice, but do not go out of their way to interact with the slavering chitterboxes. Many casual skwerlhuggers are simply ignorant about the skwerlien threat to civiliztion.
General Skwerlhuggery: skwerlhuggers who fall into this catagory not only think skwerls are nice, but seek them out, feed them, photograph or take videos of them, and expect everyone else to love-love-love skwerls as much as they do. It is the most common form of skwerlhuggery.
Skwerlvertry: this extreme form of skwerlhuggery is reserved for the human minions of squirrel world domination who actively promote the bushytail horde's quest. A skwerlvert is often overheard saying, "I'd rather be around skwerls than people."
Orthodox Skwerlhuggery: this is an extension of the above-described secular skwerlhuggery into the realm of the mystical. Both general skwerlhuggers and skwerlverts may practice it. Orthodox Skwerlhuggery is the belief in a Mystical Nice Squirrel who will come, someday, to set everything right.
For years, it was thought that skwerlhuggery was simply a deviant life-style choice. However, recent scientific studies suggest that some, if not all skwerlhuggers may actually be suffering from a parasitic infestation.
The parasite, Toxoplasma gondii, lives in the muscles, livers and brains of its host. However, there are hosts and then there are hosts. It seems that Toxo can only reproduce in the digestive systems of domestic and wild cats.
To do this, Toxos infecting rodents actually alter the rodent's brain so that they are attracted to rather than repelled by the sent of their predators. The consequence is obvious. Rodent approaches cat, cat eats rodent, Toxo gets to reproduce. A remarkable sequence of events.
There's also evidence that Toxo can affect its host's behavior in other ways (to be discussed in more detail later). This may explain why some female cats will uncharacteristically adopt rather than eat baby skwerls.
Unnatural acts: is a parasite to blame? Click skwerl (L) and kitten (R) for comments
So how does this relate to skwerlhuggery? It seems that Toxo's ability to alter behavior extends to humans as well. Toxo infected humans may engage in reckless behavior and/or be subject to delusions.
Thus, it is no stretch of the imagination to postulate that many, if not all skwerlhuggers are deluded into skwerlhuggery by a parasitic infestation. What remains unclear, is whether or not the Toxo parasite affecting skwerlhuggers is the product of skwerlien genetic engineering, and if it is, how are the nutzys and their minions spreading it to the general population?
To answer these questions we asked USDA Forest Service spokesperson Ranger Bob Woodword for information. His response follows:
You think squirrels are genetically engineering what? It's probably time for you stop eating kitty litter... SECURITY!!!
Well Ranger Bob, that's good advice, and doctors do caution pregnant women about cleaning kitty boxes for fear that they can pick up and transfer the Toxo parasite to their unborn babies. However, it's very unlikely that large portions of the population eat cat litter.
So for now, science must continue its investigation into Toxoplasma gondii and the likelihood that the bushytail horde is using it to spread skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination.
TUFTY SINGS YOU GIVE ME FEVER
A READER'S CRY FOR HELP
It's all come clear now - I am a Skerlvert. The truth about myself has been revealed to me for the first time.Now I understand the £sssss spent on nuts, the long train journeys to catch a glimpse of a fluffy bottom,enduring scream- producing accidental nips from razor sharp teeth, all in the name of a warped devotion to a devious rodent. Is there any help available?