scary squirrel world SAY WHAT!?!

Patriots, many people claim to converse with drooling chitterboxes, and the bushytails talk back. Some even report audiences with the bushytail horde's leader, Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel himself.

However, our experts tell us that the maniacal nutzys are incapable of mimicing human vocalizations, let alone engaging in refined conversation. Instead, they use a system of primitive chitters, twitchy body language, and skwerlien mind control to promote squirrel world domination.

So, why do we have the gift of gab while humankind's greatest threat does not? Science tells us that it's all in the genes. In 2002, research by Svante Paabo at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany, concluded that two critical mutations occured in a gene linked to language about 200,000 years ago.

All mammals have the gene, FOXP2, but its mutation in humans allowed for the wide range of vocalizations needed to produce languages, not just sounds.

All this would be academic if it were not for the following possibility...

Researchers are likely to try to introduce the genetic mutations into mice as part of their work, but they said many other genetic changes would likely be necessary to produce a talking animal, and several said they doubted anything of the sort would ever be possible, let alone desirable.

Source: The Washington Post - Thursday, August 15, 2002; Page A13

Patriots, would talking animals be a good thing? Or would it just create a tangled quagmire of moral, ethical and legal problems?

CLICK FOR HIDEOUS CHITTER For example, would animals demand fair treatment and equal rights? Comparable pay for comparable work? Reparations for past indignities? Environmental accountability? Decent housing? Education? Universal medical care? (Click skwerl for comment)

These are all legitimate concerns. However, there's also a golden opportunity here, an opportunity to expose the bushytail horde for the menace they are. We suggest rounding up the usual nutzy subjects: gray skwerls from Washington Park in New York, red nutzys from the Formby Dunes in England, a giant flying chitterbox or two from Malaysia, a few white and black bushytails from Canada, and a bevy of California ground skwerls. Then perform the genetic and physiologic alterations necessary to speech-enable the skwerlballs...

Well, we're certain you can see where we're going with this. With a little friendly persuasion the bushytails will confess their plans for squirrel world domination in plain language...

DROOLING SKWERLBALLS SPILL THE BEANS...

CLICK PICS TO HEAR SHOCKING CONFESSIONS

There you have it. When the bushytail horde concedes that it seeks to oppress the human race, only the most unrepentant skwerlverts will remain loyal to the nutzys' false promises of squirrel world domination, but the rest of humanity will rise up in righteous indignation to smite down the maniacal chitterboxes once and for all.

LET'S ROCK WITH TUFTY!
CLICK TO HEAR TUFTY SING
WORDYRAPPINGHOOD

RELATED SITES/TOPICS
WORD WEB - FREE DICTIONARY/THESAURUS FOR PC
HANDBOOK OF HUMAN SYMBOLIC EVOLUTION
WHERE DO LANGUAGES COME FROM
TUFTY EXPOSED
MORE SCIENCE IN ACTION


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credits top photo: patriot curtis; others: ssw
wordyrappinghood by the tom-tom club