Patriots, two of the frequent questions we receive are "Do skwerls hibernate?" and "What are skwerls good for?"
RUSSIAN SCIENTISTS HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS
Over the years, we've answered both questions in detail on our Science in Action and Special Reports pages. However, we've never combined the questions to ask "If skwerls hibernate, what are they good for?"
As it turns out, the answer to this question is not only relevant, but critical to defeating the bushytail horde and to mankind's survival.
Before we explain, we invite you view the video news report below...
The news report summarizes a Russian study of the artic ground squirrel's ability to hibernate. Similar to earlier studies, the Russian scientists conclude that humans may be able to harness the squirrel's ability and use it to survive in a hibernation-like state for decades.
Why would anyone want to do this? Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel, the head of the bushytail horde and evil mastermind behind the nutzy drive for squirrel world domination, explains it best: "Humans are dangerous super-predators who will kill or use up everything on the planet. Then, they'll get in a big spaceship and move on..."
"Super-predator" describes an organism that is not only at the top of its food chain, but also has the ability to influence the environment around it. Tufty recognizes that humans are in this role. However, he believes that humankind will destroy earth through overpopulation and gross mismanagement of the Earth's resources.
Tufty's solution? Squirrel world domination - a world in which humans are slaves to the bushytail horde. Needless to say, we find Tufty's solution inhumane and that's why every good Patriot labors to defeat his nefarious plan (click Patriot for audio comment).
This brings us back to the question "If skwerls hibernate, what are they good for?" Clearly, chitterbox hibernation will be humankind's salvation. We simply have to continue with this important research, perfect a process to induce human hibernation, use up everything on the planet, and blast off for a new world leaving a barren, and most importantly, nutzyless rock behind...
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Not all skwerls hibernate. Exercise caution, especially when walking in snowy areas lest you be confronted by a slavering bushytail assassin...
SIK-SIK: TERROR ON THE TUNDRA
LET IT SNOW
FROZEN SKWERL ALERT
FEWER TREES MEANS FEWER SKWERLS
ARE DEAD SQUIRRELS FUN?
SCIENCE IN ACTION
WIKIPEDIA HIBERNATION PAGE
WIKIPEDIA SUPER-PREDATOR PAGE
top photo credit: flesh eating beagle; animation by ssw, photographer unknown
super-predator and Patriot photos: photographers unknown