THEY'RE GETTING SLEEPY

Every year Americans pay trillions of dollars in taxes to our local, state and federal governments. It's no secret that these tax dollars are often spent on the pursuit of squirrel world domination.

Sometimes the abuse is not so obvious, as in money laundered through our educational institutions. Other times, it's a slap across every Patriot's face.

Take for example the studies done at The University of California at Davis to determine how California ground squirrels know when a rattlesnake is about to strike - a surreptitious scheme to waste state and federal monies.

Or what about the biggest tax scam of them all, the billions paid in Social Security benefits to the aged, blind, and disabled - many of whom use your tax dollars to aid and abet the bushytail horde (see feature link below).

One of the most recent examples of blatant skwerlfare is a $600,000.00 federal grant to study the sex lives of South African ground squirrels (click SA g-skwerl for it's comment)...

Last year, American taxpayers funneled nearly a trillion dollars into the U.S. treasury. Hundreds of millions of those dollars funded scientific research aimed at finding a cure for cancer, heart disease and Alzheimer's disease. But millions of American tax dollars have also been spent on studies that critics say have little benefit for taxpayers.

The study about the evolution of squirrel breeding is a prime example. Government waste groups contend that studying the sex habits of African squirrels is exactly the kind of research taxpayers shouldn't be paying for

Jane Waterman is the researcher studying squirrels, through a National Science Foundation grant. The University of Central Florida biologist travels to Africa as part of a five-year project to observe ground squirrels.

"What I study is sex and squirrels," Waterman said.

She says the furry animals are fascinating because male African squirrels are so friendly to each other. They only time they spend with females is for sex and they don't fight over females as American squirrels do.

"They hang out in large male bands and they like each other," she said. That is a remarkable thing to see in a ground squirrel and a mammal. Waterman believes that studying the evolution of squirrel breeding gives us a better understanding of our environment, and ourselves

Source: ABC News, April 03, 2002; photo: University of Central Florida

Cape Ground Squirrel (Xerus Inauris) l-r: range, male, juvenile, female click first skwerl from left for hideous chitter

To be fair to Dr. Waterman, her project has some merit. In Africa, she plans to teach a web-based course open to graduate students and seniors from UCF and other Florida state universities, along with University of Pretoria students. After discussing potential projects via the internet, the students will join Waterman for 16-hour days in the field in Africa for two weeks of intensive study. The results may contribute valuable information not only about the nutzys, but on the South African ecosystem as a whole.

Still, one wonders why our tax dollars are being spent to study skwerlien debauchery in South Africa when there are many worthy projects here at home that go underfunded or not funded at all.

However, we're not opposed to the scientific study of skwerls. For example, a report in the current issue of the American Journal of Physiology: Regulatory, Integrative and Comparative Physiology, indicates that the immune systems of hibernating squirrels essentially shut down while the animals lie dormant. Now that's information we can use...

Brian Prendergast of Ohio State University and colleagues studied 31 hibernating golden-mantled ground squirrels in the laboratory. These animals usually spend five to six months of the year in hibernation, during which time their body temperatures drop to within one or two degrees of the outside temperature. Each week or so, the squirrels awaken and stay up for 12 to 20 hours before returning to their hibernating state. The scientists tracked the animals' sleeping patterns through body temperature measurements. When they went into hibernation, the researchers injected some of them with dead bacteria, which normally triggers an immune reaction. But the injections elicited very little response from the hibernating critters--they did not wake up nor did they register a fever. When their regularly scheduled arousal time arrived, however, the animals' temperatures skyrocketed as if they had just been infected.

Source: Scientific American, April 03, 2002

   
Golden-Mantled Ground Squirrels: adults and juveniles (center)
click last skwerl on right for hideous chitter

Ok, it doesn't take a doctorate in skwerlology to see where were're going with this. We think the money spent on Dr. Waterman's skwerlball sex study would be better spent training humans currently on welfare the art of hypnosis. They should then be gainfully employed by the United States Forest Service to hypnotise every chitterbox they come across, convince the nutzy that it's in a state of hibernation, and, well, the rest is history...

READER COMMENTS

why does anyone care how skwerls have sex? that DR. Waterman must be some kinda freaky pervert

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YOU WILL HANG ONCE THE SQUIRRELS TAKEOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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i'm writing my congressional representative NOW!

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I believe that George W. Bushytail's "tax cut" went to the top 1% of animals in the USA....SKWERLS!!!!!!

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you guys are nutty...

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spay and neuter 'em all!!!! hell pay waterman to do it!

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A much shorter study would be one that studies YOUR sex behavior, IOW the Null Set.

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i think u suck because u dont like squirrels, and u dont know how to spell either

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I think we should give them a taste of their own medicine! As in give scientist or Canadian Tree Hugers (lol) to test on spaying and nudering the squirrels, therefore they cannot reproduce!!!!! (Evil Cackle)...ahem.

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what's wrong with using the money to pay for something really useful like buying me something nice?

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