Howdy, Patriots, I'm yer Cuzin Cletus an' scary squirrel world's scientific eddytur. I'v come heer t'day to speak at ye re-gradin' a seriesus cuncern havin' t'do with the subject of e-volution. Specificully, e-volution and the machinations of the bushytail horde.

Now, most of you know thet e-volution is a scientifik theory in which critters done change over the millennyums. So, like a fine elixir thet's been proppurly stored, they gets better, an' smartur an' such.

Thars even diffrunt versions of the theory. Fer exampul, sum folks pickchur e-volution as a humungus pyramid with us folks at the tip-top on account thet we're so cognitively superior t'othir critters.

Then thars them thet de-scribe e-volution as a big, branchin' tree with no one species necessarily lordin' over the othirs - meanin' thars a bunch in the canopy all competin' to be the alpha critter, I reckon. This "tree" is more proppurly call'd a cladogram where all orgunisms lie at the endpoints. Like such showin' the primate branch of the tree...

Now, I'd be a mite amiss if'n I didn't mentshun thet thar are sum folks who see e-volution as evil-loution.

Fer exampul, down at the Church of the Burnin' Waters of the Coolin' Fire Tabernacul on Wednesdays nite we have us a bible study an' sum folks, like Cuzin Rupert claim thet e-volution is the devil's concoction, an' thet anyone who don't call it blaspheme and accept thet God made the earth in six days with all it's critters in place is goin' right to hellfire.

Well, I can see sum merit in thet argumint, but I still says strait to Rupert's face, is this whar you gonna be when Jesus comes back, presumin' t'know the mind-o-God by condemmin' folks t'hell 'cuz they thinks monkeys is thar cuzins? An' thet usually gits Rupert riled up more, an' things kin turn violent if'n it were'nt thet Deacon Bob steps between us testifyin' an' holdin' up the Good Book an' bringin' it down rightously on our heds ifn' we don't sit back down (click Deacon Bob for comment - 106k wav).

Ok, enuff digressin'. I said thet thar is a bushytail plot havin' t'do with e-volution an' i aim t'tell you what...

See, accordin' to e-volutionury theorists, thars been times when e-volution has had sum peculiar affects on critter development, even t'the point of takin' a gigantic leep forward.

So, take fer exampul the idea thet our conqueror-president, G. W. Bush is reely a hyper-evolved, angry monkey of sum sort. Thars even a whole slew of photos circulatin' claimin' t'prove that Bush is a simian-homo sapiens blend. I'm confeedaunt thet you seen 'em...

SIMIAN OR HOMO? IT'S HARD T'TELL

But what if thet ain't the half of it? What if'n someone or sumthin' is tinkerin' with e-volution and producin' a monkey-man-skwerlball hybrid of which President Bush is just one of meny? An' what if'n thar alreddy walkin' amongst us?

An' don't say it cain't be. Jist consider these wirds from Dr. Brian Arbogast, Department of Biological Sciences, Humboldt State University, Arcata, California an' then take a gander at the followin' pickchur...

It may also interest you to know that Ratufa appears to have filled the ecological role typically played in other tropical forests by medium-size frugivorious primates. ~from our feature, Ratufa the Englutted, linked below

RATUFA THE ENGLUTTED FULLFILLIN' ITS ROLE. BUT WHAT HAPPEN'D T'THE PRIMATES?

As y'all kin plainly see, the skwerlien above has a torso an' appended limbs thet looks suspiciously like a monkey's. An' if'n this varmint is replacin' primates, ain't it likely thet the bushytail horde is takin' it one step beyond by meldin' it into... Homo skwerlius?

  Well, I'm think'n thet it's done and it's been done fer sum time. An' now the Homo skwerliens are makin' a grab fer power by seizin' the governmint, an' big business an all mannur of affairs effectin' our daily lives so thet prett soon, when they got everthin' in place they kin enslave us all an' hand the reins ovir to the bushytail horde an' to Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel hisself (click President Bushskwerlmonkey for comment).

O'course, I culd be wrong about this. An' sum of you will be beratin' me fer sayin' such about our president. But, it occurs t'me thet thar is a lot of skwerliness in the wirld thet aint seemingly caused by skwerls...

So, Patriots, I'm askin' fer yer opinion... Has it alreddy happen'd? Do they walk amongst us?