Patriots, it is a well-established fact that it's near-impossible to keep the bushytail horde from overwhelming and decimating your birdfeeders. Even so-called squirrel-proof birdfeeders have been shown to have significant vulnerabilities which the slavering nut crunchers exploit to get at the treasure within.
In fact, we retired our annual feature, Birdfeeder Blues, in 2003 simply because we couldn't find a reliable way to stop the drooling skwerlballs from attacking and defeating the best anti-squirrel birdfeeders, commercial or noncommercial.
However, this feature isn't really about protecting birdfeeders from the skwerlien menace. But it is about food and the following news brief about one Patriot's desperate attempt to save her birdfeeder is a good way to lead into it...
Woman vows revenge against squirrels
Associated Press - June 16, 2004
LAPORTE, Ind. -- A 78-year-old woman tired of squirrels raiding her bird feeder got out her shotgun to kill the critter, but instead accidentally shot and injured herself.
Alberta Jones loaded her 16-gauge shotgun Sunday and carried it with the barrel pointed down to the back door to take aim, police said. The gun accidentally discharged, police said, and shotgun pellets ricocheted off the floor.
Both of her legs were struck by the pellets, and one in her knee required surgery Tuesday to remove. Her hospital condition was not available Tuesday evening.
"I've tried everything to shag them away, and they keep coming back," Jones said of the squirrels after the incident.
Conservation officer Jerry Shepherd with the Indiana Department of Natural Resources said it is not squirrel season, and that hunting game out of season is a misdemeanor punishable by a maximum 60 days in jail and up to a $500 fine. Authorities are not pressing charges.
Jones vowed to keep shooting at squirrels and using firecrackers -- as she has done several times before -- to discourage them from getting into her bird feeder. She also shoots groundhogs and other animals she considers a nuisance.
"My neighbors call me Annie Oakley," she said.
Some may admire Patriot Jones' moxie in her war against squirrel world domination. After all, a short-range blast from a shotgun will definitely do the trick, albeit only one or two skwerls at a time.
Unfortunately, we have to say that shooting skwerls out of season and with a shotgun is bad form pure and simple. And frankly, using a shotgun is the worst of the two sins. Why? Because the result renders the skwerl inedible, except possibly for the brains (assuming a body shot with small gauge pellets that don't penetrate the skull).
This is no small issue. For us, the whole point of hunting dangerous and delicious animals such as skwerls is to put food on the table. So, it seems practically a sin to obliterate the better part of a skwerl by using a shotgun on it.
Of course, more militant members of the Anti-Squirrel Coalition disagree with our position. Of those, many consider squirrel brains a delicacy and they'll have nothing to do with the rest of the varmint. Thus, having nothing left but the brain is ok by them (click skwerl hunter for comment).
But there's a problem... a skwerlien conspiracy to prevent our radical brothers and sisters from feasting on nutzy brains... a conspiracy that began at the end of the last century... What follows is summarized from various news reports and from the scientific study that started it all:
While conducting a study of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD) in south Florida in 1997, a University of Kentucky research team observed an affected patient who was originally a native of Kentucky and had a history of eating squirrel brains.
CJD is an infectious, rapidly progressive, fatal brain-deteriorating disease for which there is no treatment or cure. Dietary transmission of the disease has been documented experimentally in animals and in human beings who are cannibals.
One of the researchers, Dr. Eric Weisman, a behavioral neurologist reported in the distinguished British medical journal The Lancet that he treated 11 people for Creutzfeldt-Jakob in Kentucky in four years. All had eaten squirrel brains at some time. Six of the victims, ranging in age from 56 to 78, died prior to the research team's '97 report. The normal incidence of the disease in the area should be one case in about 10 years. He warned against consuming skwerl brains for this reason (Source: Lancet 350, Number 9078 - Saturday 30 August 1997).
Pathetic skwerlhuggers practically went orgasmic over this news, posting the Weisman-Berger-Wiseman report on nutzy-worshipping home page after home page as a warning to anyone who would dare eat a skwerl... Thus, they intimated that even in death, the bushytail horde has a plan to destroy those who oppose squirrel world domination.
However, Dr. Wiseman and his colleagues, Dr. Joseph R Berger and Dr. Beverly Weisman also cautioned that many questions remained, including a causal relationship between skwerls and the disease.
For example, they noted that the bushytail horde does not eat meat. Therefore, the skwerliens couldn't acquire the disease in the usual way, by eating other animals brains and nervous system tissues.
In that regard, the researchers are wrong. Chitterboxes are omniverous. They do eat meat, usually carrion (e.g. roadkill), but sometimes as predators. Arguably, a roadkill-munching skwerlball might contract the disease in this way (click brain-munching skwerl for comment).
But, meat is not the primary source, or even a major source of any skwerl's diet. So, it's unlikely that there'd ever be a wide-spead incidence of CJD carrying skwerls running amok across the land.
We also observe that there have been no CJD epidemics either before the Wiseman-Berger-Wiseman report or after. Thus, we're happy to report that the CJD-skwerl scare contained more hype than reality - and so, the traitorous lies of skwerlhuggery's minions are laid bare.
Does this mean that eating chitterbrains is safe and sane? Consider the comments by Philip Lyvers to the Associated Press in 1997. Mr. Lyvers, a farmer and hunter in central Kentucky whose wife simmers squirrels, head and all, with sauteed onions and peppers and serves them over rice, said: "two guys' opinions" in a medical journal won't make him change his ways... "I know more old hunters than I know of old doctors."
I just have to say I find it weird that you expect this 78 year old lady to use another weapon. I think if she has the strength and will power to use a shotgun why the hell not. I mean squirrels are tiny creates and your eye sight does not get better with age a shotgun sprays and makes shooting a little but easier.
I grew up in Ohio and as a teenager late 1950s I hunted gray & red squirles always with a 410 shotgun. It always took two shells to bring one down to the ground, but the buckshot did minimal damage. Always removed the head & guts after skinning and soaked em in salt-water & vinegar overnight. Picked out the shot visible and spit out the lead the buckshot I missed. They are delicious fried in the frying pan, better than a filthy chicken. I never saw one eat anything dead, must have been a stuffed toy he took up in that tree. Don't hunt them here on Long Island, they're like pets for me and I feed them nuts right out of my hand. Don't need the meat anymore because I'm well fed now, but if the econmy keeps going South, I might get back to my old ways again. A Huh!
you dont have to eat them to not let them go to waste... I think the skins could be useful,granted in little bits if a shotgun is used, but why not a 9mm? just a thought.
You know what I have denial too. I will never admit it leave me alone what do you want from me.
My friend here dosnt believe n the squirrels powers
i was horrified to watch a squirrel attack and eat a bird.. i had no idea they ate meat until i saw with my own eyes
Mmmm - Delicious. Tastes just like gopher!
dude wheres my car
I'm gonna learn dem skwerls how to shoot a gun.
a 12 gauge shotgun will not ruin the squirrel's meat. the pellets dont blow all the way throught the squillel. but if you use shot gun sluggers it would snap the squirrel in half
shouldn't kill them it is tight
squirrels are waked in the head
What the heck is that thing up above in the two Pictures of Something which is very Weird ? Love Ashley
I think they are mean because they ate my strawberry bush that took me 1 year to grow
wtf!!! wat the hell is he eating
It is my belief that these militant skwerls have been recruited by Al-quida. They need to be hunted down one by one. We need to raid thier holes where they are hiding WMD's (Wascowy Marmit Detonators). If you see any suspcious mounds in your yard contact your local Skwerl athorities before its to late. I think there on to me!
your website has no helpful information at all. i found only one thing i needed out of probably around 50. you need to see how many people really look at it in the first place. i will never recommend this site to anyone. peace out
fry me up one of the little nut busters
I think its a bounch of crock...there's always something to blame. You ever notice that when you have a stomich ache you say "it musta been the shrimp." or what ever the last thing you ate.
you all need lives... real lifes.....
listen up people do not eat squirrels what did they do to you develish a**holes
a couple of years ago i found a dead bird in my front yard. when i told my wife about it she said she had seen a squirrel eating the head. i thought she was nuts. about a month later another dead bird was lying in the street. the next day its head was missing. i think it was the squirrel. everyone i've told about it thinks i'm crazy. i am glad i found your site. ~Robert, Sulphur LA
i think you are some sick f**kers
I live on LI. I just saw a squirrel run up a tree with a small animal in its mouth. I did not see it kill the animal. The sqirrel was eating the animal in the tree
CLICK HERE FOR MAD SKWERL DISEASE AUDIO REPORT BY DR. BERGER
- Source: National Public Radio - in windows media - 1.2mb -
FOOD SAFETY AND INSPECTION SERVICE
FOOD RESOURCE AND INFORMATION
STOP HUNGER NOW
MORE SCIENCE IN ACTION
AUNTY FRAILY'S COOKIN' UP SKWERL PAGE
Antelope Ground Squirrel munching on bunny brain courtesy of Patriot Curtis