Wouldn't you know it. Just when we archived our report on the false prophets of squirrel world domination, Persil and the Pretenders, another supposed "Nice Squirrel" sighting arrives; this time from Canada.

We preface today's report by reciting what is known about the so-called Nice Squirrel. According to the heresy of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery, the Nice Squirrel will someday descend from the Tree of Delicious Nuts to set everything right. We dispute this skwerl's existence and we've published numerous exposés of skwerlhuggery's false promises. It's our position that if the "Nice Squirrel" exists, it is a demon from the abyss...

So, without further editorial comment, we bring you Patriot Doug's report from Montreal, Quebec, Canada...

Hey... check this squirrel out! I took this picture today in Montreal, Quebec... i couldn't believe my eyes... and I might not have seen it at all had I not remembered Smokey's Skwerl Drill... It seemed it wanted to communicate something to me. Could it be the one skwerlhuggers call "Nice"???

 
PHOTOS COURTESY OF PATRIOT DOUG - CLICK TO HEAR SKWERL'S MESSAGE (148K, 217K WAV)

Patriot Doug's shocking photos of a Nice-looking Squirrel are disturbing. We decided to show the photos to National Forest Service spokesperson, Ranger Bob Woodward. Did he think the pictured chitterbox is the Nice Squirrel? His response follows...

How the h*** would I know if it's nice or not!?! What you're looking at is a melanism; they're not uncommon, and they're not ghosts or spirits or whatever you delusional yokels think they are...

A melanism, Bob? Is that even a word? Well, we know a skwerl when we see one, but we are in agreement on one thing: the slavering skwerlball is not the mystical Nice Squirrel.

To support our conclusion, we need only reference skwerlhuggery's heretical belief about the Nice Squirrel's appearence: "His head and His hairs are white like wool, as white as snow; and His eyes are as a flame of fire" (emphasis added).

Clearly, the nutzy Patriot Doug encountered has white eyes; not the red eyes one would expect based on skwerlhuggery's own doctrine.

As for the "mystical" issue, the chitterbox does look kinda mystical, appearing as a solitary figure in a silvan enviroment and all. So on a lark, we can play along with the skwerlhuggers...

However, we can really only speculate on the nutzy's true nature... Perhaps, it's the Anti-Nice Squirrel. Thus, assuming that the Nice Squirrel is not nice, then the Anti-Nice Squirrel would be... nice. But that's imposssible, right?