scary squirrel world IN SEARCH OF...
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click for Patriot Phlinger's animated version

"You refer here and there to a Tree of Delicious Nuts. However, you don't explain what that is. Is it like the tree in the Garden of Eden with the nuts of knowledge of right and wrong, or eternal life, or something? Please enlighten me on this so that I can be a better Patriot!!!" -Patriot Ivan

Patriot Ivan asks an important question and raises an ages-old issue: Does the Tree of Delicious Nuts Exist? If so, where?

For the uniformed, trees have always played an important role in the bushytail horde's plan for squirrel world domination. According to Nordic myth, a chitterbox was employed to run up and down some tree delivering insults and curses for one of the gods. In American Indian lore, an oversized aboreal terror threatened to destroy the human race by chucking whole trees on 'em.

Clearly, trees are a threat to humankind, but in spite of our best efforts to deforest the planet, trees still exist.

But what of the Tree of Delicious Nuts? According the Apocrypha of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery, there is but one mystical squirrel, and that is the Nice Squirrel. The Nice Skwerl dwells in a gigantic Great Tree that sits in orbit on the far side of the sun.

CLICK TO HEAR HIDEOUS CHITTER! This orbiting leviathan is not the Tree of Delicious Nuts. It's the Mystical Great Tree. When a skwerl dies, its soul goes there. In the Mystical Great Tree the nutzys feast on delicous nuts, party to ABBA, and just before bed they watch the movie, Old Yeller, but just the part where they put that poor dog down for having rabies... (click skwerl for comment)

Anyway, the Apocypha states that in the beginning the Nice Squirrel brought a twig from the Mystical Great Tree to earth and planted it somewhere in the the Pacific Northwest region of North America. This sprout became the Tree of Delicious Nuts from which all earthly skwerls sprang. The Nice Squirrel bade the nutzys, and all animals of the forest, to partake of the Tree's delicious nuts but they were warned not to become greedy and take more than they need.

However, one animal, Early Man, coveted all the nuts. Early Man convinced many of the animals, including some "Immoderately Desirous Bushytails" to join him in a coup against the Nice Squirrel. After a terrible struggle, the Nice Squirrel prevailed. It punished the rebellious animals by banishing them to the far regions of the planet, erasing the memory of the Tree's location from every living creature on earth, and by assigning the monsterous Skwerlfoot to protect the Tree from further abuse.

As for the rebellious chitterboxes, they were stripped of their bushy tails and turned into rats in the blink of an eye...

Ok, we're pretty sure this is all a bunch of malarky. In fact, we've never found conclusive evidence that the Tree exists or ever existed (let alone a giant tree on the far side of the sun).

Oh sure, there is scientific evidence that the first skwerls did originate in North America's Pacific Northwest, and we do receive and investigate Tree sightings from that region and from all over the world. However, definitive proof of the Tree's existence is lacking.

Patriots, we were ready to declare the Tree of Delicious Nuts just another skwerlien lie when we discovered apparent evidence of its existence. An unrepentant skwerlhugger, Skwerlhugger Jay, provided us with his "proof" that somewhere in the Pacific Northwest is the Tree of Delicious Nuts (he wouldn't provide the exact location), and it does indeed spawn chitterboxes from its mephistophelian boughs.

Consider a few photos of bloated nutkins lurking in regular trees. Then, compare them to Skwerlhugger Jay's photo below...

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Tree of Delicious Nuts photo courtesy of Skwerlhugger Jay; all others ssw

Patriots, it certainly appears that the photo above shows a partially formed chitterbox growing on the Tree of Delicious Nuts. However, in this day of digitally manipulated photos isn't it just as likely that this is yet another pathetic attempt to spread the falso promises of squirrel world domiantion and the blasphemy of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery?


thanx to skwerlhugger jay for his Tree of Delicious Nuts photo