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DOES IT EXIST? THE TREE OF DELICIOUS NUTS?

"You refer here and there to a Tree of Delicious Nuts. However, you don't explain what that is. Is it like the tree in the Garden of Eden with the nuts of knowledge of right and wrong, or eternal life, or something? Please enlighten me on this so that I can be a better Patriot!!!" -Patriot Ivan

Patriot Ivan asks an important question and raises an ages-old issue: Does the Tree of Delicious Nuts Exist? If so, where?

For the uniformed, trees have always played an important role in the bushytail horde's plan for squirrel world domination. According to Nordic myth, a chitterbox was employed to run up and down some tree delivering insults and curses for one of the gods. In American Indian lore, an oversized aboreal terror threatened to destroy the human race by chucking whole trees on 'em. And, in spite of mankind's efforts to deforest the planet, trees still exist.

But what of the Tree of Delicious Nuts? Some say that the drooling nut crunchers planted a mystical tree in ancient times and that to eat of its delicious nuts is to become a sesquipedalian, bootlicking skwerlhugger forever singing the praises of the deviant skwerlballs. However, some also maintain that the Tree is, in fact, the original source of skwerls on Earth.

scary squirrel world has devoted endless hours researching this subject. However, we never found conclusive evidence that the Tree exists or ever existed. Oh sure, we've received and investigated reports from all over the world. But, needless to say, we can't tell you how many of those sightings turned out to be some possum in a bush or an eco-terrorist in a tree. We even discovered the Tree of Terror in our own backyard, Woodward Park, California. However, the slavering nutkins inhabiting that tree proved only that so-called ground skwerls are faking it; they can climb a tree as good as any nutkin; but they aren't grown on 'em.

Patriots, we were ready to declare the Tree of Delicious Nuts just another skwerlien lie when we discovered apparent evidence of its existence. You see, one of our more distasteful tasks is to regularly visit skwerlhugger websites. Sometimes, in between their giddy skwerlien praises and stern admonitions to luv-luv-luv skwerls (or else), we find real information.

Such was the case when we visited Skwurls, a site operated by Skwerlhugger Jay. This traitorous devil is a known Squirrel Enforcement Army Operative in America's Northwest. Although he's an accomplished musician and talented photographer, he's turned to the skwerl side and regularly publishes pictures of the most hideous chitterdemons - but amongst his photos we discovered the possible proof we need: Somewhere in the Northwest is The Tree of Delicious Nuts, and it does indeed spawn chitterboxes from its mephistophelian boughs.

Patriots, consider our photos of bloated nutkins lurking in regular trees. Then, compare them to Skwerlhugger Jay's photo below...

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Tree of Delicious Nuts photo courtesy of Skwerlhugger Jay; all others ssw

Patriots, it certainly appears that the photo above shows a partially formed chitterbox growing on the Tree of Delicious Nuts. If this is so, the only question that remains is...