scary squirrel world PROFILES IN TERROR

Patriots, when we aren't mustering resistance against the bushytail horde's plan for squirrel world domination, we're warning against the heresy of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery.

What is Orthodox Skwerlhuggery? It is the irrational belief that some day a "Nice Squirrel" will come to set everything right.

CLICK FOR BLASPHEMOUS SERMON This diabolatry teaches "His head and His hairs are white like wool, as white as snow; and His eyes are as a flame of fire" (click photo to hear skwerlhugger sermonize).

Leaving aside the oxymoronic notion of a skwerl being nice, we maintain that there is no Nice Squirrel, or if it does exist, it is a demon from the depths of hell.

Nonetheless, the belief persists and some say they've actually witnessed the Nice Squirrel. Our Squirrels in Heaven page tracks these "mystical squirrel" sightings. Moreover, there's been a recent increase in the frequency and number of sightings since May 2003. Consider the following report from a near-rapturous skwerlhugger...

Dear Squirrelhaters:

The Nice Squirrel has arrived! He descended from the heavens in a dazzle of brilliance. His name is Persil and he lives in London, England. Now is the time for you repent! Before it is too late!

All Glory to the Nice Squirrel,
Rev. T. Bundy

Patriots, did Reverend Bundy really think we'd swallow his codswallop? Skwerl Persil is hardly divine. A brief search for information on Persil reveals that the juvenile skwerlball and a sibling fell from a tree when a football (soccer ball) hit his treetop bunker...

A rare albino squirrel is recuperating at a wildlife centre after falling out of his tree in south-east London.

The odds against an all-white squirrel being born are 100,000 to one and he may never have been discovered if a football had not hit his tree.

But a passer-by picked him up in Carlton Grove, Peckham, and took him to the London Wildcare Centre in Wallington, Surrey, where staff have named him Persil. Director Ted Burden said: "Persil is a very happy chap."

Source: BBCi

Persil - the Nice Squirrel?

The sadly deluded reverend Bundy shouldn't be taken in by Persil's honkie exterior and reddened eyes. Neither should one read too much into Skwerlhugger Burden's statement that "Persil is a very happy chap."

Persil is nothing more than a albino variation of the common gray squirrel. Moreover, being "very happy" is hardly synonymous with being nice. Skwerl Persil is undoubtedly overjoyed at infiltrating the London Wildcare Centre, living on the dole and spreading the false promises of squirrel world domination.

In fact, Persil is simply another in a long line of Pretenders, white chitterboxes who've duped pathetic skwerlhuggers into accepting the heresy of Orthodox Skwerlhuggery, like Whitey the Y2K Skwerl, the white nutzys of the Olney Order, Alby the Skwerl, Lucky the Skwerl, the white p-dawgs of the Prairian Brotherhood, and the list goes on...

Some Great Pretenders - Alby; a Prairian Brother; Whitey the Y2K Skwerl

There you have it. Skwerl Persil is yet another false prophet, one of many whose mission isn't to set anything right, but to assist in the bushytail horde's plans to enslave the planet. He and all pretenders must be stopped.

Hear Tufty's tribute to the Nice Squirrel
original by Custom Made Scare
in windows media


As usual, the world has got the wrong end of the stick! What is so special about a white squirrel? And calling it Persil creates the ideal environment to push the irrational and emotionally unstable "Skwerlhugger" over the edge to plumb new depths of skwerlhuggery.

The name PERSIL is derived from the Greek petrosenon, which literally translated means "rock" + "celery" (NB. Persil is the French for the herb parsley, Petroselinum crispum see the connection?). As the sensible of you can appreciate, the act of calling a squirrel "Rock Celery" can only be ascribed to lunacy in its highest form probably caused by an lifetime excess of dangerously potent and illegal dandelion wine consumed during the strange rituals of skwerlhuggery (so I am told!). Next you will be telling me that this is all very deliberate and Rock Celery is the next rising star of the silver screen! One can only pray that he will get blown away in an opening scene with no thoughts of "I'll be back".

Anyway, lets return to the science of sciurine pigment. Those anglers amongst you know only too well that you can troll down to your local bait shop and purchase maggots in colours from a gamut wider than your CMYK printer. How many times have you used the eternal fishing chat up line "wowsers, your maggots match the colour of you eyes, let me fondle your floats.." to hook a mate? The latest craze is internet safe coloured bait. This is all done by supplying the wriggling horde with an appropriate diet (incidentally, the collective noun for anglers is "an exaggeration of fishermen"). Those bird fanciers out there know that, in the case of the canary, it is the feed that can greatly influence the birds plumage, and by judicious selection of food stuff, the resulting gloriously coloured specimens are displayed in competitions the world over by proud aficionados. So all this high falluting polysyllabic folderol about genetic probabilities etc is a load of old tosh. To this end, the clever squirrel knows what to eat (fifteen pints of stout the night before produces a wonderful pair of red eyes) and how to behave resulting in the civilised world leaping about, singing hymns, writing ludicrous poetry, experiencing visions (probably delirium tremens) because some flashy bushy-tailed white rodent is gambolling about in the trees.

At the end of the day, it always amazes me how so many can be fooled by so few (didn't Churchill say that?). A squirrel that, five minutes before, popped down the hardware store for a tin of white paint and fashioned red sunglasses from some sweet wrappers it found in the gutter subsequently elevated to deity.

Hallelujah to one and all.

Patriot Aitch