CREATIONIST SKWERLHUGGERY REVEALED! ABERTS (TASSLE-EARED) SKWERL IN LEAGUE WITH THE "NICE" SKWERL?

        Aberts squirrel (Sciurus aberti) isn't endangered; it isn't threatened by urban sprawl, poaching, or industrial waste; and no one's trying to save it (click skwerl for hideous chitter). But, there is a problem...

Dear scary squirrel world,

Here's something that needs immediate attention. I went to my weekly Bible study class last saturday where we're talking about evolution and creationist theory. I was just about to nod off when I heard the word "squirrel" loud and clear. It turns out that creationists use some squirrel in the Grand Canyon to justify their position! I couldn't believe it. What's worse is that the rest of the class was eating this up - even nodding their heads in approval! For me, though, it was faith-shattering!

You've got to expose this awful heresy! Who knows how many Christians have been turned into unwitting slaves of the squirrel horde! Please help!

- patriot dc

        As suggested above, the chitterbox in question is the Aberts squirrel - commonly known as the Tassle-eared squirrel. This drooling nutball occupies Ponderosa pine forest from Colorado to Arizona. According to evolutionary theory, a subspecies of the skwerl evolved when the Grand Canyon formed separating the original population. Differences are minor - mostly in coloration. The subspecies, the Kaibab squirrel (Scuirus aberti kaibabensis), occupies the North Rim of the canyon, and the Tassle-eared terror the South Rim.
        Creationists contend that the minor differences between the two aboreal terrors prove that they separated only a few thousand years ago. Thus, if the formation of the Grand Canyon precipitated the split, then the Canyon formed only a few thousand years ago, too; not millions of years ago as required under evolutionary theory (click here for Creationist Skwerl Argument).
        Is all this true? We say, "NO!" Evolutionists and Creationists are fools. There are only two plausible explanations for the grotesque Abert Mutation:

The Supernatural Model: as some of you know, gullible skwerlhuggers believe that someday a "nice" squirrel will come to "set everything right." Rubbish. The "nice" skwerl is a myth, like equal justice for all. But, for the sake of argument, if the nice skwerl exists, then the Aberts chitterdemon, in all its manifestations, is it's unholy disciple.

The Natural Model: it's much more likely that the Aberts nut cruncher is a minion of the corporal head of the bushytail horde, Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel. Its mission: to turn the Creationist faithful to the skwerl-side.

        Patriots, the slavering nut devils will stop at nothing to gain squirrel world domination. The Aberts/Kaibab creationist argument is nothing but skwerlhuggery - a deviant theosophy designed to turn us into zombified, skwerl-hugging slaves. Thus, the only remaining question is...

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READER COMMENTS:

Easy! Get an army of finger-poking, ruler swinging Catholic nuns and send them out to "persuade" the creationists to drop all this skwerlhuggery. If they don't, just create a homeland in antartica for them.

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