Click to hear Tufty's hideous chitter

TUFTY THE TRAFFIC SAFETY SQUIRREL ROCKS OUT! "WE'RE AIMIN' FOR TODAY'S YOUTH!" SAYS TUFTY

In a blatant attempt to spread the false promises of squirrel world domination to our youth, Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel is fronting a heavy metal band called the Killer Skwerl Krew.

While some dismiss the danger in Tufty's attempt to spread his pernicious propaganda via popular music, our experts point out that behind the raging guitars and sneering bravado are lyrics designed to turn Patriots into hearing impaired skwerlhuggers.

But don't take our word for it. Hear for yourself by sampling the tunes from Tufty's CDs below (in Windows Media)...

NINE SONGS ABOUT FISHIN' THE FISH SONG I'M A FISHIN' MAN ALL NITE FISHIN' TOO DRUNK TO FISH THE 40LB CRAPPIE THE TALKING FISH BLUES FISHIN' WORMS THE FISHING TRIP FISHERS OF MEN

SINGLES...

DON'T BE A HIPPIE	ASHES TO ASHES
MASTERS OF WAR	OLD HIPPIE
WHAT IF GOD SMOKE CANNABIS	I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE
A BIBLE AND A GUN	SLOW BUS MOVIN'
PRAIRIE DOG BALL	EVERYBODY WANTS TO GO TO HEAVEN
SO DOG GONE LONESOME	ONLY THE LONELY
COMIN' DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN	LITTLE DRUNK RAT
PRETTY VACANT	CHANGES
BEERGUT	OVER IN THE GLORYLAND
FORGIVE US, WE'RE CANADIAN	SASQUATCH
ICH BIN EIN AUSLANDER	GUNS OF BRIXTON
SQUIRRELS	I BELIEVE
I'S SO VERY WICKED	WHITE AND LAZY
WORDY RAPPINGHOOD	RETURN OF THE GRIEVOUS ANGEL
OH, LONESOME PRAIRIE	HAYSEED LIKE ME
CANDYMAN	BABY LET'S PLAY HOUSE

Patriots, is this the kind of audio pollution that we want our children exposed to!?! Where are the Nancy Reagans and Tipper Gores when we need them most? Well, no matter. The only real question is...

"WE TALK TO TUFTY..."

Some skwerlhuggers claim to have audiences with Tufty. Such is the case of Skwerlhugger Carlile. Skwerlhugger Carlile wrote to say that "we sit beside Tufty everyday" ("we" apparently referring to himself and Skwerlhuggers McKean and Kennedy). So we asked a few need-to-know questions in a letter, and here is the response:

What's Tufty's favorite food? Corn Flakes

What's Tufty's favorite color? Orange - as in his fur!

What show does Tufty hate MOST on TV? Soap operas, and anything to do with soap.

Who's Tufty's favorite band? Lone Star

Is Tufty seeing anyone currently? Yes, Claire the Fluffy Bunny

Is it true that Tufty's agents are currently negotiating a muti-million pound movie deal with the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents to reprise his role as Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel with Squirrel Nutkin as his smart-talkin', gin-swillin' sidekick, and Drew Barrymore as an over-agitated Margaret Thatcher bent on reclaiming Calais from France? Not as yet, but he is making regular TV appearances on BBC Northern Ireland. He appears with well known politcal hard-nuts.

What does Tufty tell you?
Drop a word of cheer and kindness: just a flash and it is gone;
But there's half-a-hundred ripples circling on and on and on,
Bearing hope and joy and comfort on each splashing, dashing wave
Till you wouldn't believe the volume of the one kind word you gave!

Where does Tufty see himself in 25 years? The taxidermists favourite!

Ed Note: we find this last response particularly disturbing. Either Skwerlhugger Carlile is pulling our leg, or Tufty plans to enslave all taxidermists in sweatshops producing all manner of Tufty icons that a planet under squirrel world domination will be forced to worship. We must resist!