UPDATE 01-31-2010: PETA PUSHES FOR ROBOTIC 'HAWG

Patriots, Groundhog Day is upon us (February 02, 2010) and once again we present our expose of Marmot monax and it's role in squirrel world domination. This year it comes with a twist warranting an update

It seems that PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) thinks that the most infamous of groundhogs, Punxsutawney Phil, is some sort of POW (prisoner of war). PETA wants Phil freed from its stalag in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, and retired to an unnamed animal sanctuary.

PETA also wants those responsible for enslaving Phil, the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, to swear never to use a live groundhog to predict the arrival (or not) of spring again.

PETA's solution to the problem of gutting a century old tradition is simple: replace Phil with a robotic groundhog.

Bill Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, took umbrage to PETA's allegation that Phil is being abused declaring that he's "being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania."

Patriots, both PETA and the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club are minions of squirrel world domination. So, the significance of PETA's protest is unclear. Does it reflect dissatisfaction with Punxsutawney Phil's performance? Or is it an attempt to place robotic nutzys in high profile positions and unleash them on a murderous rampage at a later date?

Whatever the motive, it's always good to see this kind of bickering between two of the bushytail horde's staunchest supporters. But even more heartening is the groundswell of opposition to PETA's shennanigans by Patriots everywhere.

Take for example the following music video by Dave Ryder. We're sure you'll find it inspiring...

HAWG! OUR ORIGINAL EXPOSÉ OF MARMOT MONAX

Patriots, a skwerl by any other name is still a skwerl. Chipmunks, prairie dogs, ratufas, and, of course, marmots are all part and parcel of the bushytail horde.

The subject of this alert is the ground hog, Marmota monax (aka woodchuck). Ground hogs fall under the general heading of marmots, the largest member of the skwerl family in North America.

Unfortunately, thanks to clever promotion by the agents of skwerlhuggery, the ground hog is something of celebrity in Canada and the United States. Every year, on February 02, both Canada and the United States celebrate Groundhog Day. On this day, and with great pomp and ceremony, a ground hog is pulled from an enclosure and exposed to the light. If it sees its shadow, winter will continue for 6 more weeks. If not, there'll be an early spring.

Many communities have their own personal ground hog, but two get top billing: the ground hog in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania (pictured), and the Canadian version in Wiarton, Ontario, Canada (Click ground hog's minion for comment).

Needless to say, the real reason for Groundhog Day is twofold: 1) to spread the false promises of squirrel world domination, and 2) to charaterize a maniacal member of the skwerl family as "nice".

Over the years, we've published many exposés of the ground hog conspiracy and the marmot complicity. Every time, we receive irrational rants from those who view all skwerls, including ground hogs, as bundles of luv-fluff. All insist that their skwerlien masters are harmless victims of encroaching civilization. A typical email closes with the stock incantation, "what have they ever done to you?" What indeed...

Man calls battle with groundhog 'Caddyshack' with Stephen King twist
Source: MaineToday.com

LEWISTON A 240-pound military veteran stands ready to dispute the notion of the cute, cuddly image of the groundhog in the movie "Caddyshack." James Nelson fought off a rampaging groundhog in his back yard, but the critter kept coming back for more after being kicked and hit with a shovel. It finally scurried away after a police officer showed up with a gun.

"The thing was bionic," said Nelson, who was twice knocked to the ground. "It kept going like it was on a mission."

The episode unfolded late Saturday morning when the furry animal the size of a large cat showed up behind Nelson's home and proceeded to attack his two poodles as his 10-year-old daughter and her friend shrieked from the swimming pool.

Nelson came to the rescue and shooed the groundhog away, but the angry critter came back. This time it attacked Nelson, hissing and baring its teeth.

Nelson gave the animal a kick and it ran away, but the groundhog came back and Nelson whacked it on the head with a shovel.

"It was like a bull and matador thing," Nelson said. "I beat up myself trying to fight it off."

Cleo Dow watched the ongoing battle from the neighbor's lawn. "He really wanted Jim," she said.

When police officer Trent Murphy arrived, the groundhog was hiding under Nelson's garage. It was there that the groundhog launched its final attack, going after both men.

"I said, 'Shoot it! Shoot it!' " Nelson said. Murphy pulled his gun and fired. It was unknown whether the single bullet found its mark, but the animal disappeared into the woods.

Afterward, Nelson marveled at the tenacity of the animal, which he said was "as aggressive as aggressive can be."

"I'm not much scared of anything," he said. "It was more of a Stephen King version of 'Caddyshack.' "

Attack Hawg? Family Sciuridae, Subfamily Sciurinae, Species Marmota monax

Click Hawg for comment - 72k wav

Patriots, we hardly have to add editorial comment to the foregoing report. The above-described attack on innocent citizens and harmless little poodles proves that groundhogs are dangerous agents of squirrel world domination.

However, the real danger lies in the critters name: groundhog (aka woodchuck; aka whistle-pig). Patriots and pathetic skwerlhuggers recognize them immediately as englutted, marmian skwerlballs (aka nutzy marmots), but innocent citizens do not. In fact, we've observed common citizens cry out, "There's a beaver" upon seeing a bloated marmot.

But make no mistake, groundhogs are woodchucks are marmots are skwerls. They infest much of North America and are known to travel great distance to decimate gardens, sabotage farm machinery, and generally cause mayhem on behalf of the bushytail horde.

Thus, it is every Patriot's duty to rebut the mewlings of traitorous skwerlverts who would hide the facts from common citizens. We must not allow ground hogs by any name to run amok and we must educate every citizen to the dangers of Ground hog Day and squirrel world domination.

Click to hear Hawg discuss squirrel world domination with Chipper the Ripper

ATTENTION SKWERLHUGGERS: Were you appalled by Hawg's violence against poodles and innocent citizens? Are you prepared to reject skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination but can't quite break away from your addiction? May we suggest joining Skwerlhuggers Anonymous - the easy 3-step program that will free you from the shackles of skwerlien oppression...

JOIN SKWERLHUGGERS ANONYMOUS


CLICK FOR VIDEO OF PHIL'S 2010 PREDICTION


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