Everyday, millions of folks around the world start their day with a bowl of hot or cold cereal. And, occasionally we receive letters asking if it's safe to eat breakfast cereals.
        What is the possible connection between these manufactured food products and the bushytail horde's plan for squirrel world domination? Consider the following:

Breafast cereals are made from grains such as corn, oats, wheat, rice, barley, and others. Additionally, many cereals feature delicious nuts as a major ingredient. It is common knowledge that even the best of the slavering chitterboxes will maul a baby to get at these food stuffs.

Most manufactured cereals boast that they are an important source of calcium, and/or that they've been fortified with calcium. Is it purely coincidence that calcium deficiency is a leading cause of nutkin death; especially in the young?

Advertisements for breakfast cereals often feature skwerls as aggressive demons lusting after their victim's delicious, nut-filled cereals. Who can forget the horrific series of home invasions by crazed nutdevils and robotic skwerliens featured in the Honey Nut Cluster commercials of the last century?

        While the foregoing appears to be conclusive, we've been unable able to establish the final link between breakfast cereals and the drooling skwerlballs. That is, objective evidence of the conspiracy. Unitl now...

to: scarysquirrel@pinkpig.com
subject: I Think...
name: puss

COMMENTS:
Have you ever heard of Dr. Kellogg in Battle Creek, Michigan. Yes, I'm talking about the Father of Corn Flakes, etc. He found the tar-beasts (black squirrels) up in Canada at the turn of the 20th century and decided to bring some to his estate in Battle Creek, Mich. because they were so exotic. Now they are rampant throughout the countryside, displacing other breeds and generally taking over. Just thought you'd all like to know.

patriot puss

        By some accounts, Will Keith Kellogg was a rather dim light to his older brother, J.H. Kellogg. Will was originally a stockboy and a broommaker. His brother was a health nut, author, and publicity hound who coined the word "santitarium" when he took over a Seventh Day Adventist home for the mentally ill in 1876.
        When Will's broom business in Kalamazoo, Michigan failed, he went to work for his domineering brother as the sanitarium's errand boy. In 1894, and virtually by accident, he stumbled upon the cereal flake when he left a batch of boiled wheat dough out overnight.
        From there, Will's fortunes changed for the better until, as noted by Patriot Puss above, he fell into the clutches of squirrel world domination; brought the tree demons to his estate in Battle Creek; and the rest is history...
        Or is it? There is some evidence to support the notion that Will Keith Kellogg regreted and recanted his alliegence to the bushytail horde. Towards the end of his life he established the W.K. Kellogg Foundation, a philantropic organization whose programs center around the common vision of a world in which each person has a sense of worth; accepts responsibility for self, family, community, and societal well-being; and has the capacity to be productive, and to help create nurturing families, responsible institutions, and healthy communities.
        While Will may have turned away from the skwerl side in the end, it still remains a matter of open debate whether the breakfast cereal industry continues to promote squirrel world domination. How? Perhaps by including chitterball mind-control ingredients in its products designed to tranform the unsuspecting into dim-watt skwerlhuggers. Or, maybe...

READER COMMENTS

Look here! I am a 'Sqirrel', not a 'skwerl'! If you must malign me then use my properly spelled moniker. Other than that your site doesn't offend me at all. We squirrels are a tolerant bunch, and can take a joke as well as the next guy. Oh, and I prefer lobster dipped in butter over nuts any day. I find the nuts today have too many weevils in them...nasty things, those weevils...quite spicy...we sqirrels hate spicy foods.

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I once saw a squirrel try to chew a nasty mole off carolyn mcgarity's face. Even tho squirrels are evil creatures, sometimes they try to do good deeds...

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Pass a law that every man, woman, and child must own a free-roaming bobcat.

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send them skwerls to skool!

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the answer my freind, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind. Actually, we import rednecks from texas and let 'em loose. Once they've captured the skwerls, we place them in a big cannon and fire them at canada

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In my opinion you have completely lost your mind. I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart!

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You're right that skwerls will maul a baby to get at cereal. i was at a park once and witnessed a skwerl jump into one of those portable jails mothers put their kids in, and steal a baggie full of trail mix from the toddler inside ok, so that's not exactly cereal, but it might as well be!!!

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obviously each chip has a tiny bionic neurotransmitter in it that the sqerls use to control our government and the guy who works over at hair-n-now.

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actually, i find breakfast cereals, especially those favoed by smelly hippies, to be excellent squirrel bait. i recommend that every serious squirrel hunter carry some at all time.

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I eat huge amounts of breakfast cereals and I run over fuzzy spawn of satan on a regular basis. My cat named Angel hunts the little vermin and leaves parts of them on the portch. My cat eats breakfast cereal too.

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CEREAL AND BREAKFAST-RELATED SOUNDS
CEREAL 1   CEREAL 2   CEREAL 3   CEREAL 4   CEREAL 5

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