Historians generally agree that the Battle of Gettysburg in 1863 irreversibly changed the course of the American Civil War. However, folks still debate why the South squandered it's opportunity to deal a crushing blow to the Union army during the 3 day battle outside Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.
        Some say that the South's General Lee displayed an inexplicable lack of judgment during the battle. They point to the slaughter of the South's finest before the Union guns on Cemetery Ridge as proof. Others say that the questionable intelligence provided by Southern scouts led Lee and his command to believe that the Union line was weakest where, in fact, it was strongest.
        As most Patriots know, these theories tell only half the story. Yes, it's true that Lee's judgment was clouded during the battle; and, it's equally true that poor intelligence led to grave consquences on the battlefield. But scary squirrel world disagrees with the popular notion that the events were matters of fate. As we previously reported, the false intelligence reports that Lee and his generals received came from the infamous skwerlien spy, Custis Morgan, and from unnamed chitterboxes within Confederate President Davis' entourage (see links below). We also believe that ground skwerls were brought into the area by the bushytail horde to dig holes that would impede the progress of the Southern advance against Union positions. All this to prevent the South's penchant for skwerl hunting from spreading north.
        Now comes word that the demonic nut crunchers are still ready to do battle with any visitor to today's Gettysburg battlefield:

Dear Scary squirrel world administrator,

this story IS true and it actually happend. I will depict it as best a possible. here goes...

So there I was, walking down the small road, on cemetery ridge, looking at the monuments of all the people who died at the battle of Gettysburg. I was in Gettysburg for Thanksgiving, and at the same time was touring the famous town of Gettysburg. Man, there were a lot of graves, some for Unknown people, Veterans and Infantrymen.

Then, a little bit of movement caught the corner of my eye, and I turned to see a Squirrel, sitting there eating a nut. 'I wonder if they are tame' I thought, watching the grey rodent tear apart the nut in his paws, only to devour the light tan insides.

I bent down and picked a nut that just happened to be at the foot of my feet (now i think the squirrels planted it there just to bait me). As the squirrel went for another nut, I tossed the nut in my hand in front of the creature. The squirrel, obviously greedy, grabbed the nut and began to devour it. Once it finished, it turned and looked at me. I should've taken that as a warning and run, but at the time I was feeling playful.

I quickly picked another nut, this one old and rotted and tossed it at the squirrel. It hopped up to the nut, picked it up, and started to Gnaw on it then stopped, and spit it right out, once again, looking at me. (I swear it! Its true!) So, I picked up two, nice freshly fallen plump nuts, and tossed one about 2 yards away from me. It eagerly ran up to it and once again began to eat it. When it was half way through, I tossed the second one, this time about a yard in front of me. The Vermin looked at it and then to me. I yelped as it suddenly ran strait for me and jumped onto my pants!

I managed to kick the ravenous creature off and step back before he ripped my pants. As soon as it landed it got up and ran to a tree, where it climbed up the trunk to a low branch. It sat, watching me as it poised on the branch. Shaken by the incident I armed myself with a sturdy whacking stick I found on the ground fearing another attack, and then, it started chittering wildly.

To my horror, I saw a second squirrel run down another tree and on to the first squirrel's tree, and then to the first squirrel's side. Slowly, menacingly, they began to climb back down the tree. I could handle one with my stick, but two was almost suicide. So, I bolted, stumbled in a small hole, but recovered in time to make good my retreat. I think they were attacking me because I was one of the few who know of this threat! Be careful! After you read this you too might be exposed to the dangers of the squirrels!

Patriot Zombat

        The report above should put all Gettysburg residents and visitors on notice: unprovoked bushytail aggression is a reality. No one is safe from assault. So, we asked National Forest Service spokesman, Bob Woodward, what the Park Service intends to do about the vicious nut devils. His typical response:

"Do you get stupider by the day? I told you, I work for the Forest Service NOT the Park Service; so, I wouldn't know what plan they have, if any. As for the squirrels, no one's going to get rid of them as you suggest. They were there before the battle in 1863, they were there after the battle, and they'll be there long after you're gone!"

        Are you threatening us, Bob? No matter. You've clarified once again that the ultimate goal of squirrel world domination is the elimination of the human race. A circumstance that true Patriots like Mr. Zombat will never let happen!