As most Patriots know, squirrel hunting season in the Unites States varies from state to state. However, the fall season is generally considered the premiere time of year to go mano-o-mano with the maniacal bushytails. That's when Anti-Squirrel Coalition (ASC) forces assemble, each individual decked out in full battle gear with one goal in mind: to annihilate the Squirrel Enforcement Army.
Needless to say, pathetic skwerlhuggers are constatntly looking for ways to foil the ASC's efforts. They'll stop at nothing to have their precious chitterboxes declared off limits to hunters (click skwerlvert for comment).
Fortunately, the ASC isn't swayed by the Skwerl Firsters efforts. In fact, hippie, eco-terrorist, peacnik skwerlhuggers are loath to have you know that heroic skwerl hunters have saved this great country on more than one occasion.
Take for example the Great Squirrel Hunt of 1822. During this legendary campaign, an ASC force led by Davy Crockett stopped the bushytail horde dead in its tracks at Duck River, Ohio. Of that battle Crockett later wrote, "I killed a great many squirrels, and when we counted scalps my party was victorious."
Skwerl Hunters also came to the aid of the nation during the American Civil War. In August 1862, a Confederate force moved north from Tennessee, defeated the Union army at Richmond, Kentucky, and set its sites on the prize, Cincinnati, Ohio.
Cincinnati had a population of over 250,000 at the time. Its fall would have been a serious blow to the Union. Two day's after Richmond's fall, Ohio's Governor David Tod issued the following call to arms:
Our southern border is threatened with invasion. I...therefore recommend that all the loyal men of your counties at once form themselves into military companies. Gather up all the arms in the county and furnish yourselves with ammunition for the same.
In response, over 15,000 squirrel hunters converged on Cincinnati. Confederate scouts reported the fact to their superiors. They described the recruits as "farm boys that never have to shoot at the same squirrel twice"... a description that equally fit the men in the Confederate army.
Faced with such an impressive force, the rebel army reversed course. Cincinnatti was saved. Afterwards, the Squirrel Hunters were discharged from service and returned home to do what they do best...
"Cannot I get rid of the Squirrel hunters? They are under no control."
Gen. A. J. Smith to Gen. Lew Wallace, Sept. 17, 1862
(click for large version)
There you have it, Patriots. Can there be any doubt that, if it were not for the legions of heavily armed skwerl hunters, the minions of nutzy oppression would have thrown every last one of us into skwerlien bondage, condemning us to labor under the false promises of squirrel world domination?
And what of now? Shouldn't we remain ever-vigilant in defense of our righteous cause (click brave ASC Patriot for comment)?
Let us resolve to never cotton to the misrepresentations of Skwerlhuggery's disciples. And, Patriots, ask not what the Anti-Squirrel Coalition can do for you. Rather, ask what you can do for the Coalition...
I have my Great Great Grandfather, D.B.Schooley's, original certificate dated March 4, 1863, showing where the minutemen were called upon to protect the southern border of the state of Ohio. They responded to the call of the Governor, David Tod, and went to repel the invaders, and who will be known in history as the "SQUIRREL HUNTERS." I also have the certficate of Discharge from this honorary group of men dated Sept. 1862. Janet Powell, Arkansas.
I have my great great grandfathers that of Samuel McKoy of Lawrence Co, ,Oh Discharge and a Resolution letter of thanks from the state of ohio department Columbus Dated March 4 1863 His 1863 Harpers ferry 72Cal Musket John Baker thanks for the info I have been looking for years to see if any others had survived. John Baker Ironton, OH
I have in my possession my great-grandfather, James Slagle, discharge from the Squirrel Hunter's signed by Governor Tod. Until now, I wasn't sure what it meant. Thanks for the info. Linda Coleman, St. Paris, OH
I have one of these discharge papers from my great, great grandfather, William Hall. I have taken out the "old book" on the Civil War put together by my grandmother of her grandfather's papers, letters to and from home, and uniform remnants to show students the evidence of Emancipation by Abraham Lincoln on Honest Abe's 200th birthday today. Happy Birthday Mr. President. 2/12/09 Heidi Hamilton
It is so hard to find anyone who was in the Squirrel Hunters because of the way they were used and when they were put into service during the Civil War. Does anyone know where a list of these Squirrel Hunters may exist as some of us have ancestors who were Squirrel Hunters? Thank you so much. ~Janett
Ed. note: begin your search with the Ohio Adjutant General's Office. That agency was responsible for issuing the discharge papers.
CINCINNATTI CIVIL WAR ROUND TABLE
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CIVIL WAR PHOTOS
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SQUIRREL WORLD DOMINATION EXPOSED