As most Patriots know, squirrel hunting season in the Unites States varies from state to state. However, the fall season is generally considered the premiere time of year to go mano-o-mano with the maniacal bushytails. That's when Anti-Squirrel Coalition (ASC) forces assemble, each individual decked out in full battle gear with one goal in mind: to annihilate the Squirrel Enforcement Army.

Needless to say, pathetic skwerlhuggers are constatntly looking for ways to foil the ASC's efforts. They'll stop at nothing to have their precious chitterboxes declared off limits to hunters (click skwerlvert for comment).

Fortunately, the ASC isn't swayed by the Skwerl Firsters efforts. In fact, hippie, eco-terrorist, peacnik skwerlhuggers are loath to have you know that heroic skwerl hunters have saved this great country on more than one occasion.

Take for example the Great Squirrel Hunt of 1822. During this legendary campaign, an ASC force led by Davy Crockett stopped the bushytail horde dead in its tracks at Duck River, Ohio. Of that battle Crockett later wrote, "I killed a great many squirrels, and when we counted scalps my party was victorious."

Skwerl Hunters also came to the aid of the nation in 1862 during the American Civil War. In August 1862, a Confederate force moved north from Tennessee, defeated the Union army at Richmond, Kentucky, and set its sites on the prize, Cincinnati, Ohio.

Cincinnati had a population of over 250,000 at the time. Its fall would have been a serious blow to the Union. Two day's after Richmond's fall, Ohio's Governor David Tod issued the following call to arms:

Our southern border is threatened with invasion. I...therefore recommend that all the loyal men of your counties at once form themselves into military companies. Gather up all the arms in the county and furnish yourselves with ammunition for the same.

In response, over 15,000 squirrel hunters converged on Cincinnati. Confederate scouts reported the fact to their superiors. They described the recruits as "farm boys that never have to shoot at the same squirrel twice"... a description that equally fit the men in the Confederate army.

Faced with such an impressive force, the rebel army reversed course. Cincinnatti was saved. Afterwards, the Squirrel Hunters were discharged from service and returned home to do what they do best...

"Cannot I get rid of the Squirrel hunters? They are under no control."
Gen. A. J. Smith to Gen. Lew Wallace, Sept. 17, 1862

  There you have it, Patriots. Can there be any doubt that, if it were not for the legions of heavily armed skwerl hunters, the minions of nutzy oppression would have thrown every last one of us into skwerlien bondage, condemning us to labor under the false promises of squirrel world domination?

  And what of now? Shouldn't we remain ever-vigilant in defense of our righteous cause (click brave ASC Patriot for comment)?

Let us resolve to never cotton to the misrepresentations of Skwerlhuggery's disciples. And, Patriots, ask not what the Anti-Squirrel Coalition can do for you. Rather, ask what you can do for the Coalition...