As most Patriots know, at the head of today's bushytail horde, the Squirrel Enforcement Army, is the infamous Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel.

Tufty burst upon the scene in the 1960's with his Tufty Club and it's manifesto of terror (see link below). But who preceded Tufty?

To answer that question we bring you our series...

PATRIOTS, WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN AN UNGRATEFUL CHILD? WHAT ABOUT AN UNGRATEFUL CHILD WHO GOES BAD? SUCH IS THE STORY OF SKWERL CYRIL...

CYRIL WAS BORN IN 1946 TO A LOWER MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY IN EASTERN NORTH CAROLINA. BAD FROM BIRTH, HE FELL IN WITH A SHIFTLESS GANG OF LOSERS.

AT AGE FIVE, CYRIL TOOK OVER HIS AGING PARENTS RECYCLING BUSINESS. HIS "MISMANGEMENT" RUINED THE BUSINESS. CYRIL'S PARENTS LOST EVERYTHING INCLUDING THEIR HOME.

FROM THERE, CYRIL PLUNGED INTO A LIFE OF CRIME. MAIL FRAUD WAS HIS FORTE; HIS VICTIMS ELDERLY SKWERLS. IT'S ESTIMATED THAT CYRIL BILKED THE ELDERLY CHITTERBOXES OF MILLIONS OF ACORNS THROUGH SHAM LOTTERIES, MAGAZINE SALES, AND NON-EXISTENT VACATION TIME SHARES.

SCENES FROM CYRIL THE SQUIRREL
click thumbnails for large, hi-res versions

  

  

  

  

  

  

IN THE END, CYRIL'S CRIMINAL EMPIRE CRUMBLED WHEN A RIVAL GANG OF SKWERLS FROM THE NEXT COUNTY MUSCLED IN ON THE ACTION.

CYRIL FLED FOR HIS LIFE. DEFEATED AND ACORNLESS, HE MOVED BACK IN WITH HIS PARENTS. THEY DIED IN A FOREST FIRE UNDER SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES. INVESTIGATORS NOTED THAT CYRIL HAD TAKEN OUT AN INSURANCE POLICY ON HIS PARENTS PRIOR TO THE FIRE. HE COLLECTED AND DISAPPEARED.

CYRIL'S CURRENT WHEREABOUTS IS UNKNOWN.