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GIVE YOUR OPINION...
09 JANUARY 2008: IDENTIFYING THE ISSUES
Patriots, what would an election be without issues. And what would issues be without discussion? So, while we wait for the parties to pick their presidential candidates and as we get to it, we begin a recap of the issues that concern us all:
Immigration: In a nation of immigrants, immigrants have always been frowned upon by those preceding them.
Negative concepts about and reactions to immigration and immigrants varies from year to year, decade to decade, but the last few years have been especially harsh, especially for those crossing borders illegally.
In fact, illegal immigrants, and by association, legal immigrants are viewed by many as inferior life forms with the social status of sexual predators.
Of course, it's always a bad idea to enter any foreign country without the proper documentation (visa, passport, whatever). However, most immigrants are here to work. So, in as much as we're not going to go out to pick our own tomatoes, and it's no sweat off our backs who builds our redwood deck as long as it's done right for a fair price, then we don't give a dang whether the person doing the work is documented or not.
But there is one class of illegal immigrant that we can not tolerate...
Patriots, every day thousands of felonious, non-English speaking vermin swarm across America's northern and southern borders with impunity.
And we're not talking about the Italians, Polacks, or even the Irish. It's alien skwerls that are the greatest immigration threat. Worse, our government is ignoring the problem at great cost to us, the taxpaying citizens of this great land (click foreign-looking skwerl for comment).
Why? Because once here they extort tribute from welfare recipients who can barely provide for themselves, receive free medical care from wildlife rehabilitators, rob food from our pals in the animal kingdom (e.g. birds), engage in sabotage and wanton destruction of the environment and civilization's infrastructure, and englut themselves without restraint on the fruit of our agricultural efforts.
The Solution: there is no easy answer to this problem. Certainly, it's desireable to allow some alien nutzys into the country as a supplemental source of protein for our pals in the animal kingdom, the ones who eat skwerls.
However, it is critcal that we be able to track and quickly locate these foreign chitterboxes in case we need to round them up when push comes to shove. Therefore, we propose a National Skwerlien Immigrant Database that gives the known whereabouts of every Ausländer skwerlball in the nation.
In fact, we wonder why this skwerlien data bank isn't already in place. How can our government be so blind to the need? So we asked National Forest Service spokesperson, Ranger Bob Woodward, to explain this negligent oversight. His response:
"You propose a what!?! And why isn't it already in place...? Because we're busy making one to track you weirdos before we get to it! SECURITY!!!"
There you have it, Patriots. Ranger Bob provides undeniable proof that our government recognizes the problem but just doesn't seem to be able to around to it. But rest assured, a vote for the Anti-Squirrel Coalition will change all that...
References/Resources
Supernews Immigration Debate (video)
The Pinky Show Discusses Immigration (video)
NPR: The Immigration Debate
Wikipedia Immigration Page
CLICK TO HEAR TUFTY SING
I Pity the Poor Immigrant
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Crime and Punishment: there can be no dispute that criminal skwerl activity is on the rise. Daily attacks on people and property are commonplace across the nation; entire towns are blacked out by nutzy attacks on utility lines; small children are viciously savaged in our city parks; students are set upon by marauding hordes; food is ripped from the frail hands of the elderly - all in the name of squirrel world domination (click newsman for comment).
Isn't it time to put an end to skwerlien criminality? But who will do it? The parties are mute on the subject and the candidates utter nary a word against bushytail transgressions. Well, we say it's time to push this issue to the forefront...
The Solution: nutzy criminal activity can be significantly reduced or eliminated by instituting a National Nutzy Restraining Order that prohibits any chitterbox from coming within 2000 yards of any human. This will effectively banish the bushytail horde back into the wilderness where Our Pals in the Animal Kingdom (i.e. anything that eats skwerls) can finish the job.
Thus, a vote for the Anti-Squirrel Coalition means that citizens need no longer live in fear of skwerlien crime while our wilderness friends reap the bounty the new law sends them. Would you vote for anything less?
References/Resources
Where the canditates stand on crime (and all issues)
Winter Park Rampage
Mountain View Massacre
DeFouler the Skwerl
Meet the Kinderfiend
The Switch Is On
SEE CRIMINAL NUTZY'S IN ACTION
  
CLICK FOR VIDEOS OF CRIMINAL SKWERL GANG ACTIVITY; CENTER PIC FOR CAMPAIGN POSTER
Global Warming and the Environment: the overriding environmental issue of our time is global warming. The effects of global warming are potentially disasterous for the human race. But what is the real cause of this world-wide increase in temperature?
According to "scientists" and many pathetic skwerlhuggers, global warming can be blamed on unchecked human population growth and the subsequent pollution caused by an industrialized world. This includes the massive release of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, deforestation, urban sprawl, and even cow flatulence (click cow for comment).
However, one source of global warming is never mentioned. Skwerls. Not convinced? Ask yourself this, what do skwerls do when they're not devouring everything in sight and/or causing humanity anguish and mayhem? They're sitting around shaking their bushy tails. Multiply one nutzy twitching its tail by millions and millions and you begin to see where we're going with this.
That's right, the shaking of bushy tails causes friction, which in turn heats the air, which has the culminative effect of warming the atmosphere and this obviously leads to global warming.
The Solution: we can only hope to mitigate the effect of bushy tail shaking on global warming. Practical remedies include harvesting skwerl tails for use in fashion accessories, fishing lures, and home insulation, extending hunting season in Kentucky, Tennessee, and elsewhere, and other measures too numerous to mention.
More importantly, we must ban forever the song and singing thereof of the "Gray Squirrel Song" (see link below for more info). This isn't so much a song as it is a blasphemous chant encouraging the bushytail horde to shake its bushytail. And it is an invitation to a global warming Armageddon.
Patriots, come election time, what will you do? Will you do the right thing by voting Anti-Squirrel, or will you following the lemmings of skwerlhuggery into the abyss?
References/Resources
Our Shake Your Bushy Tail exposé
Global Warming FAQ
NRDC global warming page
Skepticism.net: global warming disputed
NASA's global warming page
CLICK FOR LARGE VERSION
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WHICH PARTY IS RIGHT FOR AMERICA?
Patriots are you sick of governments run by skwerls for skwerls? Do you think it's time to crack some nuts and take back the trees? Well, so do millions of others in this country and around the world.
The problem is, the bushytail horde has a stranglehold on the politcal process and their influence infects the highest levels of government, including the American presidency.
It's not that all our presidents have been unabashed skwerlhuggers...
Great Patriot and President Dwight D. Eisenhower battled the bushytail's efforts to control the White House from 1953 to 1961. He ordered them deported from the grounds and delivered to parts unknown (click Ike for comment).
Unfortunately, Ike's efforts went for naught. The parks around the White House have the highest concentration of skwerls in the world. So, the nut crunchers just sent more sappers over and under the White House fence. Worse, pathetic skwerlverts protested Ike's campaign and unleashed even more drooling chitterboxes onto the White House grounds itself.
What about our more recent presidents? Let's consider the last five:
Jimmy Carter: President Carter was a peanut farmer from Georgia. That alone is telling. But was he born a skwerlvert in a family of skwerlhuggers? The record suggests otherwise. So, how did the maniacal nutzys gain control of President Carter? Our sources tell us that he was involved in a farming "accident" that left him with a permanently bent finger shortly before he entered politics. Could it be that a little chitterbox pressure was applied...?
Ronald Regan: there is no doubt that President Regan entered the White House as a skwerlhugger. History also tells us that he'd bring walnuts back from the presidential retreat at Camp David as tribute for his skwerlien overlords. Then, he'd open the doors to the Rose Garden and distribute the nuts to the legion of skwerls assembled on the colonnade. All this at tax payer expense.
George H. W. Bush: Dubya's dad wasn't much of a president (think faltering economy, rising violence in inner cities, and high deficit spending among other things). However, many within the anti-squirrel movement consider him a saint. Why? Because when he replaced Ronald Reagan as President, he flung open the patio doors to the Rose Garden, released his fearsome hound Millie, and declared that the nutzys "were history".
Bill Clinton: President Clinton had a brilliant tenure in the White House. But in the end, his presidency was seriously marred by his connection to the nutzy cabal. Our proof: 1) he couldn't keep his nuts in his pants and, 2) he spent the last few months of his presidency signing over 1000's of acres of public land to the slavering skwerlballs. This leads us to conclude that President Bill made a deal with the devil as it were. Shame on you, Mr. President.
George W. Bush: This guy runs around his Texas ranch with a chainsaw and his veep shoots first and asks questions later. What's not to like, right? Wrong. Turns out Dubya's dumber than dirt. First, the economy tanks, but his fat's pulled from the fryer when al-Qaida destroys the twin towers at the World Trade Center. Unfortunately, GW is too stupid to concentrate on yanking Osama bin Dirt Nutzy out of his burrow in Afganistan. Instead, he attacks Iraq, is helpless to prevent that nation from plunging into anarchy, and basically creates another live-fire training ground for terrorists. This level of stupidity leads to a flood of anti-Bush sentiment (see samples below). But what the critics fail to recognize is what most Patriots know: Bush is a skwerl dressed up as a human.
L-R: WHO PAYS? BUSH SPEECH GENERATOR. HERCUBUSH
Patriots, it's clear that America's record of electing pathetic skwerlhuggers to the presidency is an embarrassment.
The reasons for this are complex. One fundamental reason is the bushytail horde's ability to convince people that it is nice (it's not); that it is tolerant of humankind (again - not); and that it can protect us from evil (click skwerl for comment).
This brings us back to our original question. Are you sick of government run by skwerls for skwerls? Are you ready to throw the nutzys out once and for all? Are you eager to see a government that can put in place domestic and foreign policies that actually solve problems; not create them?
Yes? Then only one question remains. Who amongst the horde of candidates should we trust with our vote? Republican? Democrat? Green? Other?
Or maybe the anti-squirrel movement should put forth its own candidate as we've done in the past?
For now, we'll simply monitor the developing presidential race. We'll also take your comments and suggestions via the handy form below, and we'll bring you updates as the field of candidates narrows...
"Crises there will continue to be. In meeting them, whether foreign or domestic, great or small, there is a recurring temptation to feel that some spectacular and costly action could become the miraculous solution to all current difficulties...
But each proposal must be weighed in light of a broader consideration; the need to maintain balance in and among national programs – balance between the private and the public economy, balance between the cost and hoped for advantages – balance between the clearly necessary and the comfortably desirable; balance between our essential requirements as a nation and the duties imposed by the nation upon the individual; balance between the actions of the moment and the national welfare of the future. Good judgment seeks balance and progress; lack of it eventually finds imbalance and frustration."
"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.
We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."
~Excerpts from President Dwight D. Eisenhower's farewell speech to the nation; January 17, 1961
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