Mayhem at Duke University

SQUIRREL ENFORCEMENT ARMY ATTACKS DUKE UNIVERSITY!

        On June 29, 1999, a skwerlien attack on an innocent tourist sparked a confrontation between local authorities and the Squirrel Enforcement Army (SEA) on the Duke University campus in Durham, North Carolina. The row started when an SEA operative savaged and then stole the terrified tourist's car keys:

Oh nuts, there go the car keys, up a Duke tree with the squirrel

By J. ANDREW CURLISS, Staff Writer

DURHAM -- A crafty squirrel with quick moves robbed a picture-snapping tourist Sunday at Duke University, then stashed the loot -- a set of keys -- on a tree branch some 15 feet off the ground. Campus police resolved the theft after swinging a rope into the tree for about 20 minutes, eventually knocking the keys to the ground. By then, police said, the culprit was long gone. "It's pretty strange," Duke police Capt. Charles Nordan deadpanned. "You might even call it squirrely."

Nordan said the theft unfolded about 4 p.m. as an unidentified tourist was shooting photos of the tree-covered East Campus. The man put down his keys, which were fastened to a curly 6-inch-long keychain, and turned away. Just then, the squirrel raced down from a tree, snatched up the keys and circled back up the trunk to a safe limb.

The most likely motive, experts said: hunger. "He did what any good squirrel does -- he was coming down to take advantage of an easy meal," said Barbara Simpson, a specialist at the Veterinary Behavior Clinic in Southern Pines. "It could have been a big payoff." The squirrel apparently figured out in a short time that the keys weren't tasty and then scurried off, leaving them dangling in the branches.

Police were quick to say Monday that most Duke squirrels are friendly -- and that the incident was isolated. And they don't expect to spot the thief anytime soon. He apparently just blended in with the rest of the school's squirrel population. (source: Triangle News-Observer - 29 June 1999)

        Patriots, don't be fooled by the media's specious account of this horrific event. Make no mistake, the attack was planned. This certainly isn't the first time the aboreal terrors have stolen car keys. Long time Patriots will recall that an Anti-Squirrel Coalition (ASC) patrol was ambushed in Fresno, California's Couthouse Park, keys to an armored Ford Festiva were stolen, and the patrol's survivors had to take a cab back to base for an extra set of keys. Fortunately, they returned before the chitterboxes could make off with the armored vehilcle. However, these incidents demonstrate that our cities and skools are under constant, unrelenting attack from the slavering nut devils. Only your iron-willed resolve can hold them back from realizing their plan for squirrel world domination!