"Ten rare black squirrels were imported from Canada in February 1961 by Larry Woodell, superintendent of grounds, and M. W. Staples, a retired executive of the Davey Tree Expert Company. When first released, the large, black-spiked squirrels were frequently mistaken for skunks..."

So begins a sorid tale of treachery describing how black skwerlballs came to infest Kent State University in Ohio. An isolated and unexplainable act? Hardly.

In fact, our research indicates that these bushytailed tarballs infest the South-eastern United States and a swatch of the North stretching from Pennsylvania to Michigan. They also dominate the Canadian province of Quebec and the city of Vancouver in Bristish Columbia (click here to view distribution map).

Worse, these melanized skwerls are actually revered by a peculiar cult of skwerlverts who've spread the falsities of squirrel world domination to Europe:

"Black Squirrels" has been an unofficial Haverford College (Pennsylvania) athletic identity since the late 1980's when the college baseball team noted a profusion of the mutant species around Class of 1916 Field... In 1990, the team passed out Black Squirrel T-shirts on its summer tour of Czechoslovakia and Poland, leading one professional baseball squad in the Czech Republic to become "Chorny Wewerka," Czech for "Black Squirrels." -from the Haverford Sports News

So, where did these off-color chitterballs originate? There are many possibilities; some more plausible than others...

For example, English professor and holder of the Conrad Bergendoff Chair in the Humanities at Augustana College in Moline, Illinois, Roald Tweet, suggests that the skwerliens came from Europe, presented as a gift, then released into the wild on an island. From there, the deviant nutcrunchers escaped the confines of the island by jumping across ice floes on the Mississippi River when it was frozen (Source: the Moline Dispatch).

However, a 1999 study conducted at Westfield State College in Massachusettes concluded that the tar-skwerls in that state are from Michigan. "They were brought over 51 years ago in 1948 by the man who donated the land for Stanley Park, Frank Stanley Beveridge" (Source: The Black Squirrel Population of Stanley Park).

So, did these dark-hearted tree terrors originate in Michigan? No one can say for sure, and other theories abound: they were smuggled in by Canadian hippies; they came from Alaska; from Russia; or even brought over in the bellies of oil tankers from foreign countries. But whatever the source, the asphalt-furred demons have gained control of American towns and schools. And, wherever they are, so is there a clandestine cult of black skwerl bacchanals who writhe with pleasure everytime one of the chitterblacks gambols by.

But Patriots, let's not point the finger when it comes to the black tarball's origins. The more important questions are: What are they? and What do they want?

So-called "experts" will tell you that black skwerls are variations of these chitterboxes: the fox squirrel (Sciurus niger); the Eastern grey squirrel (Sciurus carolinensis); and the red squirrel (Sciurus vulgaris). There's also the giant black black chitterdemon of South-East Asia, Ratufa the Englutted (Ratufa bicolor) and other black-colored skwerls such as the Abert's Squirrel (Sciurus aberti) found in the Rocky Mountain States into Arizona.

Patriots, we find the experts' identification of the black nutkin specious at best. It's obvious these skwerls arose from a single source: the tarpits of the Los Angeles basin in California.

That's right. Back in prehistoric times, some really dumb but vicious animals wandered into the tarpits wherein they sank and died. Their "vicious DNA" mingled with the tar. Then a bolt of lightening hit the tar and, VOILA! Black chitterdemons spewed forth; didn't like what they saw; and moved to what is now the eastern United States (click skwerl to hear why).

And why are these blackuns here? To promote squirrel world domination, of course. How? We believe that these chitterboxes are designed for night-time attacks on the human race. Thus, they'd be more properly named Sciurus nocturnus...

BLACK NUTKIN PHOTO GALARY

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BLACK SKWERL JIGSAW PUZZLE


RELATED TOPICS/SITES
TRENT'S BIG PAGE-O-COLORED SKWERLS
FOX SQUIRREL FACT SHEET
GREY SQUIRREL FACT SHEET
RED SQUIRREL FACT SHEET
ABERT'S SQUIRREL FACT SHEET
LA BREA TAR PITS