CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Lemme just say one thing - I'm glad that I'm not the only one who thinks that squirrels are rising against us! For the past four years, I have been at Western Michigan University where the squirrel problem is, unfortunately, turning bloody. My freshman year I was attacked by four squirrels on three different occassions. Each year since that number has risen significantly.

This problem had gone unnoticed for far to long, so, I decided to do something about it - I brought it to the attention of the campus newspaper. Who cares about parking costs when students are attacked and, yes, even hospitalized by rabid squirrel attacks. My voice was heard, but I think it was eventually just blown off. I don't think they understand the seriousness of the situation, but I've been keeping track over the past four years, and have gained these vital statistics:

Squirrel Population on WMU Campus:
1996: 145
1997: 291
1998: 473
1999: 1125

Number of times I was attacked by squirrels:
1996: 3
1997: 1
1998: 2
1999: 0

Average Squirrel Weight
1996: 5 lbs.
1997: 6-8 lbs.
1998: 7-8 lbs.
1999: 10 - 15 lbs.

I've noticed increased activity on campus, especially near garbage cans, which I think is their common area. I also noticed that they are less interested in just attacking me, but they seem to watch me with intent. There is a tree outside my dorm room which houses 12 squirrels. They look at me through the window approximately 45% of the day - possibly studying my behavior to find some sort of weakness. I have interviewed others on campus and discovered that similar activity is also occuring, especially in the Valley Dining area, where the squirrel activity seems to be the greatest.

My guess is, there is something serious about to go down. I'm bracing for the attack and I have formed an alliance. However, I want to call upon my friends from all over to help join in the fight. These chattering little nutcrunchers have me paranoid. Everywhere I go, they follow. At night, I can hear them in the trees. I know, at any moment, they are going to strike. So, we must be prepared for when they do.

I'm asking that you post this alert on your site not only to inform, but I am looking for recruits to join my army. I will not stand idly by and watch my campus get overrun by these furry little rodents from hell. When they strike, we will be ready!

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Jeremy P.
Leader - WMU Squirrel Resistance Front (WMUSRF)