An end to innocence

UNIVERSITY OF NORTH DAKOTA PLAGUED BY SKWERLIEN MENACE!

THE FOLLOWING REPORT COMES FROM PATRIOT CHRIS AT
THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH DAKOTA

Greetings fellow Patriots!

I'm writing to report the growing skwerlien menace on the campus of the University of North Dakota. Unfortunately, to convey the true severity of this crisis, I must reveal an ugly secret... I was once a skwerl hugger and was both active and advanced in my skwerlhuggery...

It started innocently enough. Duped by their cute exteriors, I would swerve to avoid hitting them with my car... but it advanced from there. Soon I found myself waving at them and even saying "hello squirrel" from time to time... if only I had known that what I was cheerfully greeting was, in fact, the physical manifestation of evil. My darkest shame is one that I share with my roommate. Thoroughly deceived by the skwerls, we would often throw uneaten food (the last bit of mac and cheese in the pot, for example) and cooking experiments gone ary out the back door for the skwerls to eat.

The skwerls loved this, of course. They would come by every day and eat whatever we had tossed outside. Sometimes I'd watch them, numbering well above 20, gorging themselves on what was left of my latest attempt to make spaghetti, and I'd get an earie feeling... something about the red gleam in their eyes or their menacing chittering would make consider, if only for a moment, that there might be something evil beneath those fuzzy exteriors. My trusting nature would always get the better of me, however, and I'd end up muttering something like "what a bunch of cuties."

This unbridled skwerlhuggery would have continued had it not been for a chance encounter that I had with the Scary Squirrel World website while checking email one day. Feelings of fear, anger and betrayal swept over me as I read the TRUTH about Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel and his bushy-tailed minions. I was encouraged, though, by the reports of brave Patriots fighting the nut devils on their own campuses, and I left for home determined to no longer be a pawn of Tufty and his hordes. When I got home, I explained the truth to my roommate and we made a pact to actively resist the skwerl onslaught.

Somehow, (no doubt a testament to their intellegence gathering capabilities) the skwerls heard about our conversion, and they were waiting in ambush the very next day. As my roommate and I were walking to class, we suddenly found ourselves under a tree that was brimming with no less than TWELVE chittering tree urchins! (I included a technical diagram of the situation along with this message - ed. note: see and click on image above) We had foolishly ventured outdoors without our whackin' sticks, so I looked around for something that might work as a substitute, but there was nary a stick to be seen. Utterly defenseless, we cowered on the ground in the fetal position as the beady-eyed demons looked down on us... and the chittering... oh the horrible horrible chittering... it was all around us and pierced us like a knife... I still hear it in my nightmares...

So there I lay, wetting myself, praying for divine protection, and expecting death in the form of thousands of tiny bites to come at any moment... but then something happened. One of the skwerls (or something that we had mistaken for a skwerl) turned against the chittering horde! Like I said, I was on the ground wetting myself so I can't tell you exactly what happened, but when I looked up all the skwerls were rushing off in pursuit of a lone skwerl who was running for the hills.

Thankful for our continued existence, my roommate and I pondered the identity of our fuzzy savior... a deviant skwerl?? a chipmunk we had mistaken for a skwerl?? perhaps a robotic skwerl controlled by a hidden Patriot?? I guess we'll never know, but whatever it was, it saved our lives and has hardened our resolve to resist the skwerlien menace.

Sincerely,
Patriot Chris