CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Squirrels are taking over our colleges and universities, corrupting students and faculty.
The latest report comes from Queens University of Charlotte, North Carolina.

We had noticed that the squirrel population was growing rapidly. They attacked us by jumping out of trashcans! They threw acorns at us from the trees! We felt their eyes upon us always....watching.......waiting to make their move. This morning they did, though it went terribly wrong for the little b's.

The Evil Squirrels of Queens University of Charlotte had aparently been planning their hostile take over for some time, and it was only by God's mercy we found out before it was too late.

Their plan was to infiltrate the president's house and murder her and her family in their beds, thus throwing the campus into a state of emergency. The panic that would ensue was to render us incapable of protecting ourselves, and they would mow us down with their little squirrel teeth by the thousands.

However, on the way to the president's house the chosen assassin, Nutts R. Yummy, caught the sound of a transformer in his ear. Unable to resist the hum (which reminded him of the fourth circle of hell where he grew up), Nuttsy was drawn to the transformer like a moth to a flame! Needless to say, he did not complete his mission...

At eight o'clock this morning, the power at Queens University of Charlotte went out. We carried on with classes, confident that the perpetrators would be cought and made to pay for the inconvienience they had caused us. Campus Police arrested ten of the Evil Squirrels's top leaders. They were forced to tell their plans. When the CP went to look for Nutts R. Yummy, all they found was his tail, swinging in the breeze...