CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Squirrels are taking over our colleges and universities, corrupting students and faculty.
The latest report comes from Palm Beach Atlantic University, West Palm Beach, Florida.

We are fighting the good fight here in West Palm Beach, Florida. The battle thus far has been bloody and costly but we struggle onward. Yuppies cruise Dixie Highway in their BWM's and Benz's blissfully unaware of the horror we live with daily here on campus. Simply walking to the cafeteria, less than 150 yards away, has become a sprint for life. The skwerls are EVERYWHERE! They lay in wait in bushes, trees, planters, even on rooftops. YES! They have snipers! We have had to constantly adjust our tactics in battle to try to stay one step ahead of the enemy. Mostly, running in fear while screaming like a freshman and arms flailing as if your hair were on fire seems to work best. The strange movement and shrill noise seems to confuse the bushy tailed beasts.

Some of the tactics we have tried are modeled after our US Military successes. For instance... we have tried the Noriega approach when trying to drive them from the campus to the cemetery across the street. This seemed to work for a while. Dwight Yoakum’s yodeling had a pleasant side effect of driving away the cafeteria workers as well. Unfortunately we became drunk with our quick success in their hasty retreat. Apparently they recruited additional forces while in the cemetery because the skwerls returned at double the force of their retreat, this time wearing cowboy hats, large belt buckles and driving lightly armored pick up trucks while barking like a blue tick hound on the trail of a skwerl. Word from the enemy camp is their additional forces came from drug addicted frat skwerls from central Kentucky with a strange taste for peanut butter crackers. (See Kentucky U Post - Patriot Andrea)

We have tried the cold war approach. We sent clandestine operatives into the trees, bushes and shrubs to learn the enemy's strategy. Our operatives were highly trained individuals selected from the school of communications for their ability to speak in clicks, pops and chatter with no distinguishable human accent. I fear that these operatives, though highly skilled in the art of espionage have been lost, taken prisoner and tortured. We still hear occasional faint screams from the air ducts in the chapel and strange mumbling echoes in the parking garage late at night.

The three hurricanes to affect campus last year caused the unscheduled evacuation of our campus. I feared that abandoning our strongholds would be a costly mistake. Our latest approach was learned from this unexpected turn of events. You see, many trees were lost to the high winds and flood waters. Apparently the enemy took heavy losses in our absence. Their secure bunkers were not equipped with sump pumps, their watch towers were not posted in strong rooted vantage points and many of their supply lines were cut off by falling trees. The calculated eradication of foliage on campus has begun. We have considered a scorched earth approach in the past only to learn that our plans had been discovered and the enemy had adjusted tactics. I would venture to say we have a mole. Yes, a mole! Yet another insidious rodent. The enemy has now taken up residence in the dorms. These wretched little creatures truly are masters of combat. Of course you can not burn down the barracks to rid the enemy. How can you eradicate the enemy when he lives among you? He's in your walls, crawling under the very floor you walk upon. I bet they have listening devices and pin-hole cameras monitoring our every move.

Not all attempts have been failures. My fellow patriots have embarked on guerrilla missions with great success. We now have enough skwerl meat to pass off as chicken for the faculty and, though not very climate conscious in warm sunny Florida, a skwerl skin cap has become the official headgear of our special forces.

We have enlisted air support to cover our ground troops when they encounter heavy fire from entrenched bushy tailed beasts. Our air support does not come by way of A10 Warthogs, but instead by local hawks and various raptors. Since employing their services our casualties have decreased dramatically. Don't tell that to Capt "2 Toe" Tommy Trebane though... He, as you may have guessed, has lost 8 toes and 15 men under his command to the enemy in recent months. We have issued him new troops and steel toed boots instead of the sandals he favored when going into battle.

I encourage you all, fight the good fight! Let fear turn to anger while peering into the beady black eyes of our furry enemy!

No one knows the evil that beats in the black little hearts of these vile, loathsome creatures more than I. Even still, I encourage you all to stay strong, be ever vigilant and trust no rodent among you! They all must pay the ultimate price for their hideous war crimes.

Major Social Disorder of the 19th Infantry, UASP (United Anti Skwerl Patriots)
Palm Beach Atlantic University
West Palm Beach, Florida.