CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Squirrels are taking over our colleges and universities, corrupting students and faculty.
The latest report comes from Oklahoma State University in Stillwater, OK.

My fellow Patriots,

My name is Kelly and I attend Oklahoma State University.

The squirrels here are out of control, they are everywhere you look. They take over the trees, and hide special reports in holes they dig, only the reports look like acorns. These reports contain vital information on taking over the campus.

OSU paints the grass green during the spring to keep the squirrel population down. I'm afraid this isn't enough effort on the school's part. The squirrels are secretly planning to take over the dorms to get away from this squirrel killing substance. They are already taking the pond away from the precious geese, who are trying to help the students out. You see, the geese are squirrel killers, and they like humans.

How do I know that the geese are on our side? I am friend to two geese that inform me of these things. They go by the code names Sadie and Mr. Giggles. They tell me the geese lure the squirrels to the water, and then drown the squirrels. I hope the geese win.

Your fellow patriot,
Kelly