CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

No time to talk! Beware, the crack-addicted squirrels in Washington Square Park at New York University...

A little background perhaps. See, back in the 80's, greed may have been good on Wall Street, but the rest of the City was a festering wasteland of human despair. NYU was still a backwater school for locals and the occasional Bridge & Tunnel from Jersey (translation, they hadn't sold out to corporate interests yet).

NYU surrounds Washington Square which was ground zero for the Crackhead Party, all doped up with nowhere to go. When they were done pulling on the pipes, the crack vials would roll out of their limp hands only slightly faster than the drool escaping their rotted gums. When the vials hit the ground, your average intrepid squirrel was bound to check it out. Only they got more than they bargained for.

Sure, the buzz may have been better than all the nuts in the City at first (and them's a lot of nuts, countin' the mayor on down), but it was like, one shot and they were hooked!

From that point on, you might as well have closed the history books, because even Stevie Wonder could see what was zooming down the subway tunnel, 100 miles an hour in your face. Crack-addicted squirrels.

Sure they look cute, fuzzy, and innocent, but that's how they reel you in. The only way you can tell them from the regular squirrels (if there is such a thing) is by the slight gleam in their eyes. And the occasional violent-convulsion-thing.

Anyway, I say it wasn't the neighborhood, the police or the economy that eventually cleaned up the park from all those drug dealers at every corner whispering "Smoke, sense, smoke, smoke..." at every wide-eyed tourist who was unfortunate enough to get off the N before it hit Times Square and wander by. The squirrels chased 'em out. Not that they didn't need their daily dose like any other run-of-the-mill dope-fiend; they just thought they'd corner the market and make the park their own turf. First Washington Square, then Union Square, one day Madison and even Times.

Unfortunately, the crack fried their brains like everyone else's, and they forgot they didn't have opposable thumbs. Without the ability to hand over the goods and take the cash, let alone open their own vials, the squirrels quickly found themselves in deep to the local suppliers. That, and they had a big-ass monkey on their back and no bananas to spare.

Yeah, Giuliani likes to take credit for lots of stuff he was only fortunate enough not to screw up, but the squirrels did themselves in. By the time I was there from '91 to '95, their ranks were decimated, at least compared to the bad ol' days of 1987. Remember when the Street took a nose dive that October? Well, reliable sources tell me... no, that's too much.

Nowadays, my contacts Guy & Schlomo say you can hardly find a squirrel that hasn't gone through rehab, and all the rest were wiped out by the Great Albino Alligator Scare of '99. Good riddance, I say.

Thanks for doin' a valuable public service by keeping the torch alive and shining the Bright Light of Truth on those nasty squirrels. Just call me...

Patriot Chuck.