Patriots, most of you have seen our Campus Alerts page. That's where we publish our reader reports on the chitterbox plot to control our skools, colleges, and universities. For those of you who haven't visited the page, you can click here for a quick view (opens in new window).

Of course, it's no secret that many of our skools are infested with drooling nut munchers. And, it's easy to see by their deviant activities that they're not there for a higher education (click skwerl for hideous chitter).

No, Patriots, the only interest the bushytail horde has in education is teaching impressionable students, especially innocent college students, the false promises of squirrel world domination.

Not surprisingly, pathetic skwerlhuggers deny this skwerlien conspiracy. They argue that the nutzys inhabited the land before the skools were built, and they'll be there long after the campuses are gone. Leaving aside the veiled threat in that position, we maintain that this chitterbox plot is well-organized and centralized. Consider the following letter from a concerned parent...

Dear Patriots,

According to this postcard my son received, colleges are being rated by the health and number of skwerls on campus! By a Mr. Jon Gottschall!

The obvious implication is that skwerls are packing into the worst colleges, thereby raising thier ratings, in order to siphon top students away from the better ones, leaving our population dumber and less able to defend ourselves from their dastardly domination plans.

What we need to find here to sew this theory up is to learn what sort of hold the skwerls have on Mr. Gottschall, and how he has been reduced to their unwitting or --how chilling a thought--their willing servant. Sorry I don't have time to do it myself, but you guys need to cherchez la (skwerl) femme, so to speak.

Patriotically yours, etc Tom R.

THE OFFENDING POSTCARD
   
CLICK THUMBS FOR LARGE VERSIONS

Skwerlhuger Gottschall's web page Jon's World O'Squirrels is more than your typical mess of skwerlhuggery with love-the-nutzys propaganda, admonitions against disliking skwerls, and links to other skwerlvert pages.

Online since 1995, it also acts as the centralized database for skwerlien oppression on our campuses. As you can see in the screenshot below, Jon rates our institutes of higher learning based on the "the size, health and behavior of the squirrel population on campus."

sample of listings - see link below to visit Jon's traitorous page

Patriots, while Jon's campus listings are an unhappy measure of slavering skwerlball control over our skools, they also clearly show which campuses are fighting hard against squirrel world domination.

Nonetheless, in the context presented, Skwerlhugger Jon's listings are biased and dangerous. Biased because dissent is not allowed (we could find no mechanism for disputing his ratings); and dangerous because they don't tell the whole story.

 For example, we understand why a Minion of Tufty would give U. C. Fullerton a minus rating, but to be fair, why doesn't he note that the Hero Patriots of Fullerton stopped a nutzy plot to burrow under and undermine the foundation of the Humanities Building. Had the plot succeeded the building might have collapsed and... well, you get the picture.

 So, we have to wonder what the bushytail horde promised Skwerlhugger Jon in exchange for betraying mankind (click skwerl for its comment). More importantly, we suggest that you visit his page and then email him with encouraging words: he can be saved from the damnation of skwerlhuggery (see link to Skwerlhuggers Anonymous below)...

Click above to visit Jon's page

WHAT'S YOUR OPINION?     TYPE IN YOUR IDEAS; THEN CLICK ONCE; YOU'LL BE SENT TO THE THANKS PAGE.