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From: Jessica
To: scarysquirrel@scarysquirrel.com
Subject: squirrels taking over GSU
SQUIRREL CONSPIRACY AT GSU!!!!!!!!!!!
I have become aware of a secret squirrel student body at Georgia Southern University. While in class several fuzzy rodents could be seen perched over on trees and windows listening to the lessons. These squirrels are smarter than us. It is a common known fact that squirrels can live from 10 to 25 years. But what isn't known is that the squirrels at this university have been attending classes since they were born. They know our language, math, history, science, art, music, and politics. These squirrels have masters degrees in every program Georgia Southern offers. The elder squirrels with degrees in Chemistry and Medicine have devised a secret brew to make the squirrels live longer, grow bushier tales, and make louder squirrely noises. This contributes to their plan to eventually take over the University, during the dreaded time known as the Squirrel Apocalypse. They will rename this University to be the Southern Squirrel School, specializing in squirrel destruction, and partying.
They are taking over the university! Today I witnessed some rampant rodent squirrel streakers, darting in between students walking down the sidewalk. Are these bold acts simply squirrel hazing? Or are the squirrels showing that their fears of humans are diminishing daily?
Several squirrel food joints have been popping up across campus for example: Organic tree food, Pecan King, Squirellies, and Seed-Fil-Birdfeeder. Which might I add is a good alternative to the University's food service. These diabolical squirrels have also been invading various keg parties. Just the other day some squirrels crashed a party and robbed them of all the beer nuts. They also floated the keg, and were seen popping up out of cups, and falling out of trees all night.
These "party animals" have also been starting squirrel sorority's and fraternity's! The administration is not happy with this because squirrel hazing incidents are turning deadly. The squirrels have also established a coed residence hall in the big oak tree over by Sweetheart Circle. These squirrels have no rules, and can often be seen execreting out their windows. They ultilize both lakes and fountains as a public bathing area! Have these squirrels no class?
The Squirrels were also reported playing vicious squirrel football on the field last night. At half time, half naked squirrel cheerleaders danced across the field. Then the squirrel acapella band came out and sang various noises which could not be translated. They trashed the facility, leaving sunflower seed shells, and squirrel crap to be found everywhere.
In conclusion...this squirrelness must be stopped!
