CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Squirrels are taking over our colleges and universities, corrupting students and faculty.
The latest report comes from the Georgia Institute of Technology.

Terrorist squirrels invade abandoned Hightower
By Jorge Shrub - INTA extrodinaire
ATLANTA, March 29, 2002

In a devastating terrorist attack yesterday, over 1,000 squirrels seized control of Skiles Walkway. Simultaneously, a second group of some 200-300 squirrels invaded the Hightower Building, sending panic-stricken students and professors running in fear for their lives.

"I was walking to class, and all of the sudden, this giant mass of squirrels appeared out of the bushes and came galloping toward me," said Rand Omguy. "It was terrifying," said Undergraduate Student Government President Chris Kavanaugh. "[The squirrels] were shrieking, and I could see their teeth, like little fangs. All I could do was run."

Squirrels also flung themselves from trees onto the backs of fleeing students.

"There was definitely hatred in those beady little eyes," said Chemistry major Marie Curie. Curie received severe lacerations when a squirrel jumped onto her face. 47 other students were treated for cuts while fifteen received treatment for acorn-related concussions. All are being tested for rabies infection.

Officials believe the terrorist squirrels chose to attack the Hightower Building because numerous broken windows and gaping holes in the ceiling and walls made the facility an easy target. "It was a classic 'low technology, high concept' attack," said CS major Noi Tal.

President Wayne Clough, speaking from an undisclosed location on West Campus, condemned the attacks as "cowardly terrorist acts," saying the squirrels had connections to Al Qaeda. He promised swift retribution.

"These squirrels are evildoers," he said, "and evildoers are doers of evil. These evildoing squirrels are part of an axis of evil. Don't mess with Techs."

Clough ordered an immediate response, calling in National Guard troops, AH-64D Apache Longbows, Paladin self-propelled Howitzers and B-1B Lancer bombers to help GT police officers combat the terrorist squirrels. At least 53 squirrels were killed in a fierce gun battle lasting through the night. Two officers received minor injuries.

Military aircraft dropped numerous laser-guided weapons and at least one BLU-82 "Daisy Cutter" bomb. These bombs weigh 15,000 lbs and could vaporize significant numbers of squirrels. Confidential sources also confirmed that Auxiliary Services is planning air drops of food rations to civilian, noncombatant squirrels that may be caught in the war zone.

"At this point, the enemy has withdrawn and remains holed up inside the Hightower Building," said Lt. N. Bonaparte. "We are attempting to clear the building room by room, but we're operating in cave-like conditions. There's very poor lighting in that building, and stifling heat."

As each room is cleared, teams of CIA and FBI agents pour over recovered documents and charred squirrel remains for evidence.

"We've found fake Buzzcards and squirrel terrorist manuals," said Senior Associate Dean of Students Karen Boyd, who is spearheading the criminal investigation. "We've even uncovered evidence that the squirrels were planning suicide attacks on our golf carts and Stinger buses. It's also possible, and I stress possible, that the squirrels were attempting to create an acorn-based biological weapon."

"I don't think that our local gray squirrel population could have organized such a coordinated effort alone," said Boyd. Based on intercepted squirrel communications, she believes they had help from out-of-state red squirrels, and possibly several foreign flying squirrels. Fighting could continue for weeks, and even then, the squirrel threat could linger. "Squirrel 'sleeper cells' could be anywhere," said Boyd. "We can't stop them all."

© The Technique, reprinted with permission