CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Squirrels are taking over our colleges and universities, corrupting students and faculty.
The latest report comes from the University of Florida, Gainseville

In the early nineties I was a student at the university of Florida in Gainesville. I was lucky to get a room in the coveted Broward Hall dormitory and thought all was well.

And for many months it was. As the cooler weather of fall approached, we took to opening the dorm room windows and, in order to better throw rotten food and waterballoons at passers-by four stories below, we illegally removed the screens.

This is when we discovered what we believed were cute and harmless squirrels. They would parade up and down the narrow ledge that ran the length of each floor.

Incidentally we did the same when drunk.

Anyhow, on a trip to the grocery store, my roommate (a rogue chemist who has since gone on to grand failure) decided to buy peanuts to provide to the squirrels. He put a pile of them out on the ledge and watched as a half dozen squirrels converged like lions on a fallen gazelle. They chattered and bitched at one another and when the nuts were gone he gave them more.

I then realized we were late for class and we left the room, leaving the window open and the bag of peanuts on top of the dresser.

Many hours later (it was dark then and we'd been to the bars) we came home and Jeff noticed the bag was empty. "Huh?" he said as he cranked the windows shut, "little thieving buggers ate all the nuts"

Drunk, I gripped my crotch and shouted, "Let 'em try for deez nuts!"

Just then, as if on cue, a grey squirrel with a bad eye dropped from the top bunk where it had apparently decided to take a nap and shot up the front of my pants to knee height before realizing I was no tree. Jeff was just exhaling a puff from a left- handed cigarette when it went down and we both went berzerk.

Our shouts awakend two other squirrels that were inside a large box of cereal and they burst out in a shower of frosted flakes and began chittering and circling the room at a frantic pace. They tipped over our requisite beercan pyramid and dribbled musky urine across our bedspreads.

We threw the door open and found that the entire hall had been awakened by our shouts. Two of the squirrels came out the door and bolted down the hall toward the TV lounge and crappers.

Minutes later we could hear shrieking from the women's wing. It took over three hours to rid the floor of squirrels. Two people were lightly bitten and later got worried enough to get shots.

We weren't able to actually get the varmints out of the building, we were just happy to get them off our floor.

The next day we got word of mayhem on both the third and second floors.

Moral of the story? Don't feed the little buggers.