CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Squirrels are taking over our colleges and universities, corrupting students and faculty.
The latest report comes from Drew University in Madison, NJ.

At Drew University in Madison, NJ, students often fear the gray monsters that plague our campus so much that they avoid leaving their dormitories.

The common gray squirrel creates havoc on the walking paths. Usually, they attack in a highly organized guerrilla fashion, by working in groups of four to six and raining large acorns down on unsuspecting students. They are known to be especially fierce around the freshmen dorms, which are more densely wooded and thus deeper into enemy territory.

The squirrels have been sighted ripping open garbage bags, toting entire pizzas, bagels or other large pastries, and even attacking individuals naive enough to eat a Snickers Bar outside.

Complicating the squirrel problems are the "environmentally conscious" members of the Drew community (otherwise known as "tree huggers"). The abundance of trees, which is about a tree every three feet on campus, allows for a comfortable habitat for the beasts.

The squirrels also have no natural enemies in the region anymore, besides flighty students driving SUV's.

Because of the dominance of the gray squirrel, the much cuter rodent often referred to as the chipmunk usually has to remain in hiding beneath piles of leaves. Squirrels are often seen in small groups around bike racks, taunting chipmunks and chasing them away from all kinds of vegetation.

If not for the fearful students, then at least for the chipmunks, we must combat the squirrels and never cease in our battle for the University in the Forest.