CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Squirrels are taking over our colleges and universities, corrupting students and faculty.
The latest report comes from DePauw University in Greencastle, Indiana.

I see that you don't have DePauw University in Greencastle, Indiana, on your list, but you SHOULD. We have had a squirrel problem on our campus since I was a freshman, and I was not aware that other campuses were plagued by this terror. The squirrels here, which are brown, are totally unaffected by human presense. You can come within inches of a squirrel before it will casually saunter off to a tree-- in most instances, it won't even run in horror from you. More likely, you will run in horror from it.

For example, the other day, I went to get something out of my car. When I reached for the passenger door to pull the handle, a small squirrel came flying out from under my tire. It ran over my foot and then turned around, squatting and staring at me from only a few foot away. It was taunting me. I could practically hear its thoughts: "I'm only 8 inches long, but you are cowering in fear of me! Stupid human!" Either that or it was thinking that I looked like a tree, and it really wanted to climb me.

I decided the only thing to do was to jump inside my car and wait for it to leave, so I did this. But as I shut the door, I noticed that the squirrel had run back under my car. I WAS TRAPPED. I honked the horn a few times, hoping to scare it away, but I couldn't tell if it was still down there or not. I flung the door open and raced to the safety of my sorority, hoping I had not chipped a nail or smeared my mascara (just kidding). The squirrel actually ran after me, making a tittering sound, and I screamed all the way upstairs. I am traumatized for the rest of my life.

Others have encountered squirrels with a similar level of moxy. I really think they will someday overrun campus, eat all our food and all our students, and finally take over the world. The fact that they are organizing at other campuses only serves to confirm my suspicions.

~Beth, Pi Beta Phi

DePauw's campus is not a large one, but for those who have been here have noticed one thing. The over-abundance of giant "friendly" squirrels. By friendly I mean they are NOT afraid of humans. They stand and stare at students. Challenging them, making them late for class. Just the other day, on my way to class I observed a problem with a baby squirrel. (They same one, I suspect, that lunged at me and chased me into my house the previous day) The squirrel had attached itself to a students leg-and was just hanging there. I think that is crossing the line of human-squirrel relationships. There is a problem here.

~Rebekah, Pi Beta Phi