CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Dear scary squirrel world:
As a student at the University of Connecticut, I have noticed that there are many squirrels that follow me and make noises. Also, the squirrels tend to gather in groups across from the co-op, under a particular tree. They gather nuts making funny noises, and attempt to stare me down as I walk to class.

Many times the squirrels taunt me as if to say, "come on, just try to step to me." They remain in eye contact at all times and seem to be warning me that they could attack at any given moment.

Are they likely to attack me? Should I buy a gun or pepper spray? Could they kill me, drag me away, and then eat me later? I am very concerned. Please contact me soon--before its too late!!!!!!!!!!!

Patriot Tree

Dear Patriot Tree:
A recent article in the Proceedings of the Royal Society suggest that skwerls will horde food to feed yet-to-be-born offspring. So, you are right to fear their recent interest in you.

Although you undoubtedly read the Royal Society article, here's a link to a summary of it's content and conclusions for reference:

http://www.discovery.com/news/briefs/20001005/an_squirrels.html

as for weaponry, we recommend a sturdy whacking stick, grade 7 or better, preferably oiled as opposed to laquered for flexibility.

regards,
Patriot Megan
scary squirrel world