CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Fellow Patriots,

I am a junior at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. We believe that the squirrels here have notions of world domination. They are systematically trying to eliminate the students.

These evil creatures sit in their trees with their nut piles waiting for students to walk under them. The squirrels hurl their sharpened nuts at the heads of unsuspecting students. Many injuries have been sustained. These squirrels are afraid of no one. Two days ago, my friend Amy was attacked when a squirrel dove from its nut-throwing position in the trees toward her shoulder.

We believe that our squirrels are in cahoots with the squirrels at NC State, UNC Wilmington, and Wake Forest University. We believe that all the North Carolina squirrels report to the "Squirrel Master" who resides on the 8th floor of our library.

We need your help. If something is not done to stop these vile creatures soon, their plot of world domination may succeed!

Most Fearfully,
Angela