CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Squirrels are taking over our colleges and universities, corrupting students and faculty.
The latest report comes from Baylor University, Waco, Texas.

My name is Travis and I attend Baylor University in Waco, Texas. I have been here only one year and I can already see that there is a territorial war in progress between three factions. These three factions each are fighting among themselves and even their own species to dominate the campus of the Largest Baptist University in the World. The three factions and their domains are:

The Squirrels. They live in the trees and trash out cars by disposing literal tons of pecan excrement and the often 20+ squirrel gang fights are all too common these days.

The Feral Cats. The cats live in the underground sewage systems and generally come out in the mornings and evenings but have been spotted during the day. The cats leave "packages" and paw prints on cars and are always skirmishing with the squirrels and pigeons by entering their territory. Though they have fewer numbers than the other two, they still have managed to subdue and make a meal out of a few of them which has kept them alive for so long.

The Dreaded Pigeon Infestation. The parking garage above our bookstore is now a home for roughly some 500 pigeons and their young. The pigeons roost in the rafters at night and desecrate any car not parked on the top floor with pound upon pound of Pigeon crap. Not to mention the mass number of dead pigeons and feathers left behind by generations before.

The squirrels have lunged at some students and their gang fights have caused mass panic and hysteria. (Squirrel Gang Fight footage coming soon)

What can we lowly students do to end this fight of Squirrel, Pigeon, and rebel Cat?

-Travis