CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

"You may all go to hell, and I will go to Texas" - Davy Crockett

I am a senior at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. Waco is most commonly known for the Branch Dividian Standoff, but what many do not know is that there is another, much larger, much more terrifying, and much more deadly standoff taking place in the branches of the majestic oak trees of the Baylor University campus. Yes, brethren, I am referring to the imminent threat of what I believe to be the largest squirrels found anywhere in the North American continent, and perhaps, the world.

I am sure many of you have heard the saying that everything is bigger in Texas. Not having been born in this state, I failed to acknowledge the truth to this statement until I witnessed the gargantuan proportions of the squirrel forces stationed on our campus.

Brethren, not only are the squirrels here the size of lion cubs, but they attack with a more vicous nature than I have observed anywhere else in the world. In one incident that occurred this past spring, I was nearly assaulted by two squirrels as I walked home from class. I cried out in terror, and was laughed at by my unsuspecting classmates. The danger on our campus lies in the arrogance of my fellow students. They are unaware of the threat of these nazi squirrels.

I close with what I pray will bring a glimmer of hope. Texas legend holds that Davy Crocket bore a coonskin cap in his days as a liberty fighter. What most fail to realize is that the liberty he was fighting for was liberty from the nasty squirrels of Texas, and the "coonskin" cap he bore was in actuality a "Squirreltail" cap, acquired after he defeated the former leader of the squirrel alliance in what is said to be one of the goriest battles ever fought on these soils. Let us take up his true mission and fight these squirrels to the death.

With hope for the cause,
Kristen

(EDITORS NOTE: Click here for more info on Great Patriot Davy)