CAMPUS ALERT!!! PATRIOTS, GET YOUR WHACKIN' STICKS!

Squirrels are taking over our colleges and universities, corrupting students and faculty.
The latest report comes from American University in Washington, D.C.

American University in DC cringes under the tyranny of the Black Ninja Squirrel.

In their ongoing turf war with the grey ghost squirrels, the black ninjas have gained the upper hand recently. They are a solitary bunch, but each lay claim to a unique territory on campus.

This variety frequents lurks in the shadows only to pounce upon unsuspecting freshmen. Many of us believe this is why our university has such a low retention rate.

The black ninja squirrel attack from behind, when the victim is alone and preferrably at night, emerging from shrubbery or trash cans to startle students and force them to give up their food.

Often, this is not enough. The black ninja do not rest until the victim flees in terror. Students travel in groups for fear that they too may fall victim to the cold-blooded vermin assasins.