Patriots, imagine if you will... you are relaxing on a park bench. A mother approaches pushing a baby buggy. Suddenly, a slavering chitterbox leaps in front of them, drool dripping from it's gnashing teeth...
Instinctively, Baby recoils in fear, but Mummy says, "Oh honey, don't worry! It's just a cute and harmless little squirrel!" She reaches in the buggy's accessory bag, pulls out a peanut and tosses it to the maniacal skwerlball. The nutzy grabs it and gambols off.
Of course, you are shocked by this wanton display of skwerlhuggery made worse by the presence of a young and impressionable mind.
Informed Patriot that you are, you know these seemingly innocent encounters are really skwerlien extortion, plain and simple (click photo to hear skwerlien encounter).
But what if Mummy hadn't had a delicious nut to offer the arboreal terror? Pathetic skwerlhuggers will tell you that the chitterbox would have graciously stepped aside. However, you know something worse, very much worse awaits those who submit to squirrel world domination but subsequently fail their skwerlien overlords. Here's but one example...
Squirrel chased girl up tree
Ananova 09:35 Tuesday 29th April 2003
Firemen in Germany had to rescue a terrified 10-year-old girl after she was chased up a tree by a squirrel.
Lisa Fremmel climbed on to one of the lower branches of a pine tree at Krumbach in Germany when the squirrel appeared below her and tried to bite her shoe.
The squirrel made so much noise and was so aggressive the 10-year-old climbed further up the tree to try and get away, but the squirrel followed her.
Squirrel expert Walter Koenig from the German Park Authority said: "The squirrel may have regarded her shoes as a rival, as they are very territorial at this time of year, or it may just have been protecting a store of nuts."
When the girl was almost 30 foot up and unable to go further she started crying, and the squirrel, apparently satisfied at chasing her off, scampered off to another tree. But Lisa was unable to get back down.
Her cries were heard by a passer by who called emergency services, and a fireman had to climb up the tree to free her.
Patriots, the story above speaks for itself. These encounters occur daily and vigilant Patriots stand ready to defend their children (click photo to hear skwerl, left, confront Patriot, right).
However, poor Lisa was not trained to resist skwerlien aggression. She is undoubtedly still afraid for her life, and her negligent parents must forever hang their heads in shame for failing their child.
This brings up some important questions: How do we explain the threat of squirrel world domination to our children? How can we teach them to protect themselves should a demonic chitterbox attack? What do we tell them when they ask questions about skwerlhuggery? And should they turn to the skwerl-side, how can we help them return to the light?
BY STEVE BURNS: TWO SONGS ABOUT SKWERLS IN A PARK
|RAT-N-SKWERL| |BAD SKWERL IN SHARK PARK|
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