Patriots, it's well established that the bushytail horde's assault on humankind includes attacks on individuals including babies, the infirm, and the elderly.
However, a recent rash of skwerlien home invasions taking place world-wide prompts us to alert you to this horrific danger. Consider the following news reports, one from England, the other from Illinois:
Police probe into vandalism leads to a gang of ... squirrels
By Victoria Ward - Published: 8:00AM BST 16 Oct 2010 - UK Telegraph
Wiltshire Police began their hunt for the vandals after seven cars had their ABS brake cables cut or damaged and several homes had their phone cables severed in north Swindon.
Officers issued a public appeal and made house-to-house enquiries urging residents to report anyone seen acting suspiciously.
High visibility police patrols were also carried out and many local people were spoken to during the three-week probe. But two weeks later, officers were forced to call off the operation as it emerged the culprits were in fact squirrels.
Source and full story: Telegraph.co.uk
Vandal squirrel suspected
La Grange Suburban Life - Posted Oct 22, 2010 at 12:56 PM
La Grange, IL - The search is on for a bad squirrel.
A resident in the 400 block of Madison Avenue returned home from a trip out of town at 1:30 p.m. Thursday and found the water running, the television on in the kitchen and the house in disarray.
Police determined a squirrel had run across a counter top, knocked over a dish soap bottle, which turned a faucet handle to the "on" position, then stepped on a television remote control.
Police said there was other evidence that pointed to a squirrel being the offender.
Source: La Grange Suburban Life
Patriots, the attacks described above are nothing new. Neither is the police response. It may be that the police simply lack jurisdiction to deal with chitterbox criminals, or they may be nutzy minions bribed by the bushytail horde to look the other way.
In any event, the victims of skwerlien crime and aggression are left on their own. This places many in a fight or flight position.
Of course, no one but pathetic skwerlhuggers would willing open their door to a slavering skwerlball. And pathetic skwerlhuggers are quick to explain the maniacal nutzys behavior.
Excuses include: the poor little skwerl was just cold and looking for a warm place to stay; the victims brought it upon themselves by cruelly failing to provide delicious nuts to the skwerls outside - so the starving bushytails had to come inside; the poor little chitterbox jumped down the chimney by mistake... and the list goes on.
Make no mistake, these excuses are poor attempts to convince you that the drooling chitterboxes are not out to get each and every one of you.
Take a look at our collection of skwerlien home invasion movies. Judge for yourself, but be forewarned, what you'll see is disturbing, very disturbing.
In the first video, a kindly grandfather tries to save his family from a maniac bushytail, the second is the full version of one of the most infamous nutzy home invasions of all time, the third video makes the Saw series look like a sweet sixteen party, and the fourth records a pest control professional removing a dangerous nutzy from a fireplace (but why does he let him go?)...
LEFT: GRAMPS TRIES... AND FAILS. RIGHT: MAYHEM AND DESTRUCTION LOOSE IN THE HOUSE
LEFT: SKWERL HOLDS VICTIM HOSTAGE IN OWN HOME. RIGHT: TAKING OUT THE TRASH
Patriots, the videos above clearly demonstrate that unprovoked chitterboxes regularly invade homes for no other reason than to terrorize those inside.
However, we are admittedly baffled by the behavior of the pest control professional in the fourth video. Why does he let a slavering, violent bushytail, who is obviously hopped up on crackcaine, go? Leaving aside that he looks the part of a home invader himself, perhaps he and the homeowner just need a reminder: bushytail makes for fine dining:
Squirrel in Red Wine and Juniper - Click screenshot to play
There you have it. More evidence that the bushytailed tree rats will stop at nothing to obtain squirrel world domination and one tasty solution should you capture one vandalizing your home.
Of course, there are those who advocate an even more aggressive approach to stopping nutzy criminals. For those, we offer an opportunity to hone your skills by playing our ancient but entertaining Notice to Vacate java-powered game
For those looking for milder entertainment, enjoy Tufty the Traffic Safety Squirrel's cover of "I Hear You Knocking (But You Can't Come In)" in flash/mp3 format:
VIDEO: THE FRAT ATTACK
VIDEO: GRANDMA'S BAD DAY
IT CAME FROM WITHIN
ARE SKWERLS NICE?
skwerl through the screen photo by moby