Patriots, we've published many reports about the bushytail horde's plans and attempts to subdue the planet. However, nothing compares to the tales of chitterbox abduction we receive from our readers. Tales of terror; tales of wonder; tales, tales, tails, we've seen and heard 'em all. So, we think it's only proper to publish these accounts, without criticism or unnecessay comment, so that you can judge for yourself:

Skwerlien Abduction: alien encounters or pointless drivel?

Dear Patriots,

I too am concerned at the fuzzy pandemic; this nut hungry disease is prevalent throughout this world. My reservations began early. As a young child I met this furry menace face to face...

My story begins on a warm summer day many years ago, the sweat dripped from my brow in the heat of the sun. I remember it clearly for that was a day I could never fail to recall. I had decided on ice-cream, this at the time was indeed an especially fine choice due to the weather conditions. My purchase complete and icy, treat in hand, I made my way to the picnic tables that overlooked a large mown field and a small park and took my seat.

Across the field a man played Frisbee with his dog. I sat there quite and ate my treat, watching the man throw the disk and the dog catch it in midair only a moment later. This went on for a minute or so until the heat over head melted my loved ice-cream and it began to pour from its home the waffle cone created for it to my lap where it did not belong.

In my frenzy to control the seemingly uncontrollable flow of melted ice-cream an eerie feeling fell over me, I turned my head to find a large squirrel no more then inches from me. He sat up on his hind legs there on the bench beside me, and to my terror came closer. Clearly, he meant to savage my ice cream cone and abduct me to some far away squirrely hell.

My only logical response was to flee, to get away. And so I screamed like a little girl and threw my ice-cream at him, and in response to my forward attack the monstrous creature pursued.

That day I ran a complete three blocks from the icy, treaty, place of business to my home in what seemed to be no longer than a minute flat. The beast was foiled, barely, and I could see him shaking his enraged bushy tail at me in the old oak outside my window.

And thus my story concludes... except that it's years later and I still see that same large squirrel. Sometimes he sits in my yard and stares at me through my windows; he still haunts my dreams. I know he thinks he can reclaim what he thinks is his... my soul (and an ice cream cone)!!! But I feel that together we all can unite and destroy this furry menace, and all furrytailed demons, before their plot of world domination come to fruition!

Join me my fellow patriots!!!

With great contempt toward all squirrel kind, -Anthony