scary squirrel world

SKWERLIEN ABDUCTION

Patriots, we've published many reports about the bushytail horde's plans and attempts to subdue the planet. Perhaps the strangest are from those claiming that they were abducted by squirrels and/or that they witnessed an abduction. While we don't doubt the sincerity of these reports, we've yet to verify an actual abduction. So, are these "abductions" the fanciful musings of a few lunatics, or are they real, terrifying experiences. We'll let you be the judge...

Skwerlien Abduction: alien encounters or pointless drivel?

well, i have personally always known that chipmunks are not squirrels, though the fuzzy demons are in cahoots with the furry devils. and i can prove it, too.

i remember it like it was yesteryear. one day, back in '64 or so, i was walking through the park and i leaned up against a tree and fell in a hole. nobody saw me, on the account of it was 3 in the a.m.

so i fell into the hole, and landed on a table. when i regained consciousness, i was securely tied to the table, with a bunch of commie skwerls staring at me with their dead, hating eyes. i was in a mostly empty room, with only the table covered with a red cloth, a bunch of candles, and two skwerl sized swinging doors. it had a very high cieling for being made by small rodents, probably big enough for me to stand in with a few inches left over. the whole place looked like some kind of cockamamey cathedral. i wouldnt be intimidated by no furry rat, so i just stared right back at them.

eventually i heard a door open and close, and the doors swung open. all skwerl eyes went simultaneously to the chipmunk who had just entered. the chipmunk scampered slowly, ceremoniously to the table, or altar as i would soon realize. he began his little chattering and the skwerls chanted in unity with him. as the chanting started to climax, all the unlit candles in the room were suddenly set ablaze (which reminds me of a time, some years earlier, when Jim and i were having a poker game with some guys from the mill, one of the mill men thought he'd try a little something. so he raised, more and more, until it was just him and Jim, all the rest of us having folded long beforehand. Finally, Jim bet it all, and stares right at that mill man. well, the miller, he didnt want to back down now, so he annes up. Jim puts down a 2 pair of 7s and 5s.well that mill man just looked, scratched his head, and threw his cards in the fire. of course, he claimed that he had dropped 'em, accidentally-like, and says he had 3 9s. well, none of us there wasnt any fool, so we gave the pot to joe and threw the mill man into the street. never heard of him again).

so, once the candles caught on fire, it all came together. the chipper was their demonic priest. of course, i dont rightly believe it was the catholic devil or any defined religion's version of satan, but their own contemptible evil deity.

the skwerls came closer, chanting and gnashing their sharp little daggers of teeth. i was to be their sacrifice. at this i was outraged, and broke loose of my bindings. the chipmunk flew into a vicious rage thereupon, and climbed onto my body, biting and lacerating me with his horrible jaws.

i jumped up and noticed the hole that i had fell through was directly overhead. the skwerls must have performed their gory festival of death periodically, waiting for some unsuspecting biped to fall aimlessly into that pit of hell, the jaws of death opening up to engulf the fool who would unwittingly participate in the grisly worship.

i began to climb with the plutonic clergyrat scampering around my torso, biting and ripping. as i climbed up that narrow vertical tunnel, with a light at the end, my only bastion of hope, ignoring the pain and severed arteries; i would pound my body into the sides of the tunnel, trying to utterly crush out the life of my chittering antagonist.

finally i reached the surface, and it was glorious morning. a lady jogger, out for her morning run, saw me and sprinted over, helping me out of that diabolical hole. upon where i was free from that ghastly cathedral, i still had the religious cult leader trying to exact the execution on me. i grabbed him as he was preparing to make another scar upon my chest, and hurled him against the tree. there was no more from him.

i blacked out after that and woke up in the hospital the next day. the doctors said it was a miracle i had pulled through, but i would have none of it. anyone who spent most of their lives in the navy would have already eliminated the entire skwerlian cult.

so thats just what i did. soon as i was out of the hospital, i took some marijuana from some hippies and threw it down the hole next to the tree. once i was sure every last tree climbing rodent down there had stoned their eyes out. i took two armed grenades and an M-180 and threw 'em down the hole. then i ran and never looked back.

sometimes i wonder if i got all of those macabre chatterboxes, but then i just think its better if i never find out.

---Capt. Nicholas 'Hoser' Johnson

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POLL RESET 02-13-2009

 

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